In deep thought, lost in a deeper prayer,
My life is predictable, yet uncontrollable.
The insurmountable pain is only the start,
Of a tedious uphill voyage into the grave.
The smell of scented candles lurk in the air,
A false illusion used to mask the miserable,
But they can’t hide the shame or the fault,
Or wash this feeling of worthlessness away.
At war with the world, racing against time,
Can’t slow my life, only accelerate death,
But I can pause in time to snap pictures of,
This carnage I’ve turned into my memory.
Losing the battle, falling further behind,
Life cannot be measured by taken steps,
Nor can it be counted in amounts of love,
If I walk in a circle, long lost in a reverie.
I’m counting down days until completion,
Of these goals that I have yet to create.
Every day done is another hurdle cleared,
Inch by inch I’m getting closer to nothing.
I’m opening my eyes and pouring bleach in,
There’s no need to see in front of my face,
I have fought this battle alone for years,
Since trusting in allies is a losing proposition.
Somehow, I haven’t yet lost my will to live,
But I have lost every intention of fighting.
I’m at rock bottom and have carved my name,
And getting back up isn’t worth the effort.
My pockets are empty of all I had to give,
And my future isn’t worth having in writing.
The battles begin and end exactly the same,
And I’m no further ahead than I was before.
I wish I could say that I’m sorry to you all,
For involving you in my train wreck of a life.
If I had this entire life to do all over again,
Rest assured I would have never even tried.
I’ve given up on trying to distribute fault,
And lying to myself helps me sleep at night,
I’d give anything to go back to a time when,
Caring about somebody else wasn’t suicide.