Been trudging down this desolate road for decades,
The vultures are circling but the body still persists.
Life, love, and everything precious eventually fades,
Still pretending there’s more to a life than this.
The proverbial pen is starting to run out of ink,
Feels like everything has been told in this story.
Keep tapping the same well for something to drink,
But one day soon there will be nothing left for me.
Star gazing for answers but one can only question,
Is it worth it to keep fighting or quit while ahead?
The sunlight will be here soon to blister the skin,
But tonight nobody will be here to mourn the dead.
Blinded by the haze as the sun begins to ascend,
Stabbing through the dirt aimlessly for a sign.
Can’t tell where cancer begins and happiness ends,
Boundaries have been blurred for such a long time.
Haven’t cracked a smile in so many miles past,
Glimmers of hope appear in the allure of death.
Every fucking step hurts a bit more than the last,
How much tolerance for all of this pain is left?
The leeches keep taking but there’s little to give,
Been selfless far too long and it’s catching up.
The surroundings are sucking away the will to live,
Muscles are lapsing as eyes flicker slowly shut.
No clouds or trees to provide any kind of relief,
Hitting a wall in an endurance marathon to survive.
Looking for another soul to share in this grief,
Or at this point, one good reason to stay alive.
Survived so long in the jungle with minimal wear,
Just to find out nobody else inhabits this island.
Visitors from afar look in but none of them dare,
To help fend off any of the demons trapped within.
Can’t begin to explain all of the built up anguish,
When nobody will dare to set foot anywhere close.
Suicidal, depressed, lonely, scared and helpless,
Is this finally the end? Does anyone care to know?
Been hearing the music tailing off in the distance,
This swan song is winding down to the bitter end.
Time has come to finally atone for all of the sins,
Don’t want to travel down this fucking road again.

Walking until the pain in my soles,
Might eclipse this pain in my soul.
I do not feel the pain in hot coals,
As I do just being alone as I get old.
I drag myself up endless stairways,
Trying to elude a burden of shame.
Haven’t been to sleep in many days,
Still too busy repressing the blame.
I’m so tired of mourning the living,
When not penning my own eulogy.
My whole life is nothing but giving,
But you don’t need anything from me.
I only seem to light these candles,
To watch them eventually burn out,
Stability is more than I can handle,
When I’m saturated with this doubt.
Love letters are my exhibit to fail,
Knowing damned well I always do.
An envelope of sorrow in the mail,
With a pen I divulge the entire truth:

“I’m too broken to be pieced together,
And I feel guilty being your anchor,
Truth is you can do so much better,
I am nothing and you deserve more.”

Smile and laugh through my sincerity,
Like I haven’t been crushed so far,
I bleed for you, you just stare at me,
With a distant gaze as I break apart.
I know exactly what you’re feeling,
Your restlessness shows it quite well,
The part of me you find appealing,
Can also be found in anybody else.
I never wanted to waste your time,
Even if it’s the only thing I do right,
Apparently I am a fuckup by design,
It’s the only consistency in my life.
One day your candles will melt down,
And your alternatives keep on fading,
The only redeeming quality I resound,
Is I am stupid enough to still be waiting.

This overwhelming emptiness is killing me,
I have never felt so replaceable until now.
Although I know that I’m not good enough,
All that I’ve ever asked for was a chance.
When all I’ve had to hold onto is a dream,
As your voice is clearly filled with doubt,
I feel like I have wasted all of this love,
And let another one slip through my hands.
I will self destruct and I will hope to die,
Retracing every misstep and every word,
Trying to figure out where I went wrong,
And how to deal with having ever hurt you.
I will never sleep again asking myself why,
And I will be incapable of loving anymore,
When I open the letter saying you’re gone,
And reality sets in reminding me it is true.
With every sentence I shatter like ceramic,
And my stomach begins to eat at my heart,
When I realize how little I actually meant,
To someone who claims to love me forever.
Knowing I am a throwaway makes me sick,
As I rip what is left of my humanity apart,
Wishing there was a way for me to repent,
For any of the sorrow that I’ve rendered.
My tears stain your side of the mattress,
Each day is a little bit harder just to cope,
I bite my lip every time I hear your name,
Because I know you cannot be replaced.
Without you I am completely worthless,
You were my last small glimpse of hope,
Happiness was totally displaced by pain,
And I’ll die if I ever again see your face.

I have never felt this defeated before,
As the will to live eludes me these days.
Many brick walls have beaten me down,
And demoralized me to just quit trying.
I don’t feel the desire to live anymore,
No drugs in the world can keep me sane,
The only true resting place is the ground,
However I’m still nowhere close to dying.
I have never felt this pathetic until now,
My days and my nights all bleed into one,
Creating this giant smear of nothingness,
To show off how little I’ve accomplished.
If it’s just life then I’d rather go without,
I do not want the same existence as scum,
Constantly circling the drain yet worthless,
Where only a select few know I even exist.
I have never felt this worthless until today,
Even those who take pity turn up their nose,
And would not feed me if I were starving,
If it took a minute from their precious life.
Shallow “I’m sorries” are exactly the same,
Bland like mud, sharp as thorns on a rose,
When the truth is they all feel nothing,
But false concern lets them sleep at night.
I have never felt this lonely in all my years,
I want the proverbial carrot on a string,
But what I want is not what I deserve,
And what I deserve must be emptiness.
So many nights trying to hold back tears,
As I come to terms with having nothing,
And questioning what I even wake up for,
If a life of solitude is supposedly a gift.
I have never felt this hopeless before,
Running in place for a quarter century,
With nothing to show for my allotted time,
Except for a pile of regrets and sorrow.
Don’t care what the future has in store,
Life has already gotten the best of me,
I’ll keep fucking up until the day I die,
And praying that day will be tomorrow.

Detached myself from this world,
Gave away everything I ever loved,
For just one moment of happiness,
One moment that never appeared.
Traded my heart away, what for?
This sorrow fits me like a glove,
Prayers are only a drawn out wish,
For waves to carry me out of here.
Tired of playing the childish games,
Waiting for more hollow apologies.
Waiting for inevitable heartbreak,
Before I am smart enough to bail.
Wallowing through meaningless days,
Dejection plagues me like a disease,
I am running away for my own sake,
I am running because I always fail.
Chasing a dream that doesn’t exist,
Losing a battle that can’t be won,
How do I explain this is killing me,
When words only fall on deaf ears?
Apparitions rise from a summer mist,
Luring me a little closer to the sun,
Past failures are all that I can see,
I’m held captive to my failed years.
Hope was the only thing I had left,
As I let it slip through my hands,
Now I cannot stomach the monster,
I somehow transformed myself into.
Barely alive, anticipating my death,
This is a pain nobody understands.
Did I exist to you? I’m not so sure.
What I had left died when I met you.
Unrequited love is all I’ve known,
Everything else is merely charades,
I have found the point of no return,
And I failed to heed its warning.
Partaking in this endeavor alone,
Onlookers all have nothing to say,
It took all this suffering to learn,
I’m dead but your world keeps turning.

I’ve been asking myself for a reason to go on,
For so many years now that it repulses me,
I’ve been erased from so many other memories,
That I can only erase my own to make it alright.
I’ve been questioning and denying God so long,
While my faith remains unfulfilled and empty,
How many years must a man live on his knees,
Until he may witness a glimpse of the light?
Looking for a paper that will hold this ink,
Without washing away like mascara in the rain,
So I can pour my heart on paper one final time,
To a group of friends that don’t really exist.
I can feel my heart rate beginning to sink,
As my body voids itself of a lifetime of pain,
I take God’s apathy as an overwhelming sign,
That the world does not care if I ever lived.
Burning everything that I ever held sacred,
As I keep rinsing my hands under the sink,
I want to die with a clean slate and dignity,
Since I haven’t had either since I was born.
Tonight I’m sober and I’m completely lucid,
Which makes it impossible to resist the drink,
That assures me a quick, painless end to agony,
Because I don’t want to play this game anymore.

Some days I feel the need to call,
To hear the sound of your voice,
Just so I can rub it in that I’m okay,
And I don’t miss anything about you.
Instead I bash my head into a wall,
For ever making you my first choice,
Since you never really cared anyway,
And I’m happier now to tell the truth.
I am a spiteful asshole, or so I’m told,
With a ton of vengeance building up.
Now it feels like I owe it to myself,
To crash the party that you call a life.
My anguish you will receive tenfold,
You’ll die alone as a cheap easy fuck,
And you’ll be subjected to the hell,
That I endured with you every night.
Nightmares in red are all you will see,
Karma has finally caught you this time,
One day soon you’ll have nowhere to go,
When nobody lusts after you anymore.
I hope that every step of your journey,
Is torn apart by emotional land mines,
So that when your head hits the pillow,
You have nothing left to wake up for.
I know you smile acting like you won,
Or think that you got the final word,
But one thing you have never noticed,
Is my dignity still remains unlike yours.
When staring down the end of the gun,
Or being fucked like a common whore,
Remember this time I kept my promise,
And made sure your life is much worse.

Laying next to the empty shell of a girl,
She’s old enough to be called a woman,
But still too young to want to grow up,
There aren’t words to make her change.
I can’t even show my affection anymore,
Without her insults getting under my skin,
To think this is what she considers love,
Means there will be a lot of these days.
I have to dig out good amongst the bad,
To give myself some hope to hang on to,
She finds only bad in the few good men,
And has the nerve to call me a pessimist.
She ruins everything that I’ve ever had,
While she skirts around telling the truth,
Because it’s so much more fun to pretend,
That I enjoy being manipulated like this.
She’s always going to be the only victim,
I will always be guilty for the crimes,
And I will be prosecuted to full extent,
By a biased, one woman judge and jury.
Loving her has felt like the biggest sin,
I’ve committed in these darkest of times,
My compassion is twisted up and bent,
Into a pile of flaws to make her worry.
These good deeds keep going unnoticed,
‘I’m sorry’ has no part in her vocabulary,
Every truth I’ve said to her must be a lie,
I’m never right, and she is never wrong.
I can taste the insincerity in every kiss,
She really wants nothing to do with me,
Words cannot describe how hard I try,
And the pain in knowing she wants me gone.
She is playing her games behind my back,
Hoping that I won’t figure them all out,
But I’m one step ahead of her this time,
And this time I’m not going to apologize.
I will exploit the moral decency she lacks,
Uncover lies from when we met until now,
Show the real victim at the scene of a crime,
And let her find someone else to sympathize.

Standing at the entrance to an open door,
Greeted by the silence inside of the room,
Another April has come and it too shall pass,
And I’ll still be here lost and empty handed.
This disappointment I cannot stand anymore,
All of the things said about me are all true,
I’m too cold and bitter for love to ever last,
Not to mention I cannot even understand it.
I’m too smart for this I keep telling myself,
But I’m really too stupid to see my mistakes,
I’m fucking up even when I think I am right,
And I don’t want to let anyone down again.
I’d drown myself in an ocean if it would help,
But who would search for my body anyway?
I would run away in the middle of the night,
But there’s nothing for me on the other end.
I’ve run out of apologies, I’ve used them all,
Although ninety-nine percent fell on deaf ears,
The stares on their faces never even changed,
As their eyes pierce straight through my soul.
My time is up if I choose to answer the call,
I’m a memory now, why wait ten more years?
If you never met me it would spare you pain,
If only your wishes I were able to control.
I have a million more reasons to quit trying,
And only one good reason to possibly go on,
If I fell off of the face of the earth today,
It means that everybody else will have won.
Imagine all the people who won’t be crying,
The day they never figured out I was gone,
Everything else would feel exactly the same,
Just another dead memory beneath the sun.

Sitting in a dead room ten shades of black,
Been slowly picking off all the old scabs,
And piling them neatly into a sacred spot,
Saving them for a trip to the wishing well.
Trying to remove the knives from my back,
Once upon a time I’d cry, now I just laugh,
Disloyalty and mistrust are all that I’ve got,
It is slowly killing me to just sit and dwell.
Haven’t seen a light in the tunnel in so long,
That a part of me believes the sun is dead,
Because optimism has gotten me nowhere,
Before I slam into another concrete wall.
How many years can I sing the same song,
To the friends that only exist in my head,
Until I can grasp nobody is actually there,
And justify all of my reasons to end it all?
Been contemplating the coward’s way out,
It beats a stupid man’s meaningless living,
A glimmer of hope in a piss poor existance,
Is that really so much for me to ask for?
Disregard everything coming from my mouth,
’cause I’m told God is supposedly forgiving,
And once I absolve myself from these sins,
I won’t feel deep seeded anguish anymore.
Been saying my prayers at the wishing well,
Hoping that one day my luck might change,
I see how well it works for everybody else,
If tragedy and pain was their dying wish.
Sickness befalls me but it’s too early to tell,
If I have received the solution to my pain,
Or it’s another losing hand I’ve been dealt,
And all the prayers I’ve said are worthless.