Looking for love anywhere I can get it,
From street corners to the alley ways,
I bare all to anyone who pays attention,
Yet I come up empty every single night.
Too weary to walk and too proud to sit,
Degradation is the extent of my days,
These are the doldrums that do men in,
If I weren’t too stupid to quit this fight.
I shoot the moon and stars from the sky,
Praying to my God to let them descend,
So this time something will go my way,
So that I have a reason to renew faith.
Passersby stare daggers from their eyes,
Leaving open wounds drugs cannot mend,
I beg for mercy, they have nothing to say,
As the remnants of my words go to waste.
I pour my heart and soul out by the hour,
As it runs down into a sewer full of rats,
Where even they scatter a million ways,
To avoid this plague that is haunting me.
I sit here quietly like a fucking coward,
Praying that each breath will be my last,
I wait for falling stars to whisk me away,
If I will never be happy I can still dream.
Sunrises and nightfalls just come and go,
And the shadows they cast suit me well,
Witnessing nature hiding my imperfections,
Is one of the few small joys I have found.
My life’s hourglass moves painfully slow,
When there is no doubt that I am in hell,
A lifetime full of wars that I’ll never win,
I embrace defeat nightly without a sound.
Maybe it is true that I reap what I sow,
I am barely worth the air that I breathe,
A sidewalk of solitude paved in regrets,
Is all that I have accomplished thus far.
My admirable qualities nobody will know,
Negative traits are too hard to oversee,
Bad choices have left me forever in debt,
Until the day I’m crushed by falling stars.

Running away like you’ll never get caught,
It’s how you choose to deal with problems,
There are some footsteps you cannot cover,
I’ll always know exactly where to find you.
When the sun sets it will all be for naught,
Only you have to go to sleep with your sins,
And you will wake up and commit another,
As you beg your fellow martyrs to approve.
You’ve been handed the world on a plate,
It’s been crystal clear to everybody else,
We have watched you as you run in place,
Like an ant underneath a magnifying glass.
Open your ears and listen for fuck’s sake,
Your self-righteousness is your own wealth,
Any redeeming qualities have gone to waste,
Trying to take the skeletons out of your past.
You fuck inside the proverbial glass house,
And look down on those in their log cabins,
If you could see the hypocrisy in your ways,
You would be fucking ashamed of yourself.
Making wrong assumptions without a doubt,
I guess that is the way it always has been,
You always told me that everything was okay,
And avoided me whenever you needed help.
Usually I would have begged for forgiveness,
Because you and I both know you’re perfect,
But sometimes it’s not even worth the breath,
I feel like this is another one of those times.
You are where you belong, in an ignorant bliss,
While you diagnose yourself as mentally sick,
Your world is crumbling until nothing is left,
Then you’ll crawl to me like everything is fine.

Beneath all the wreckage and the flames,
And inside of the giant crack in the Earth,
There’s a million carcasses slowly decaying,
As an evil God reaps his burnt offerings.
Inside children’s cribs are the blood stains,
Where rats and vultures got to them first,
Maggot infested eyes witness the slaying,
Their dead bodies refuse to say anything.
Today Satan claims what is rightfully his,
As minions flock the streets like leeches,
Scavenging remains of his future servants,
And summoning them to where they belong.
The stench of death hovers over villages,
Carcasses wash ashore on their beaches,
The scarce survivors atone for their sins,
Since in a few hours they too will be gone.
A white knight on his horse gallops to town,
Sprinkling cash on all the maimed bodies,
He comes from a country a bit to the north,
Where they still put a price on human life.
Dehydrated children cease without a sound,
The knight’s land feeds on these tragedies,
Patronizing but not helping their own poor,
As hundreds on his home front die tonight.
Bodies lie in stacks never even identified,
And the survivors still praise their savior,
One found alive outweighs fifty deceased,
Mass graves are mourned by anybody left.
Blood fills the soil as their ghosts just cry,
Overshadowing eons of barbaric behavior,
The buzzards and the reporters just feast,
On the putrid smell of freshly made death.
The survivors fight each other for a meal,
Sewage water the only thing left to drink,
They have no idea this is the grand scheme,
And the God that they worship is to blame.
God and the white knight have made a deal,
The knight’s money was the essential link,
Needed to staff the army of God’s regime,
As Satan’s black army descends like rain.
The Lord and the devil have chosen sides,
And cracked a divider in the battle ground,
God almighty prepares for his final stand,
Without any remorse for human casualty.
This war has begun with a mass genocide,
Let the blood of the wicked pour down!
Sacrifice one country to be a barren land,
So the battle of good and evil ends finally.

A young boy lost in a heavy snow,
Family abandoned him miles behind,
Stuck here alone and nearly blind,
The present his God has bestowed,
Is no direction and nowhere to go,
His God gives him no hopeful sign,
These are times meant to define,
Lives of the peasants down below.
A crap shoot in every single move,
Knowing the next could be his last,
He has worn soles off of his shoes,
Walking barefoot in shards of glass,
And the razor wire he walks through,
Is just a metaphor for his entire past.

A young girl lost in the desert sand,
Scorpions are the only thing close,
They will not kill any of her ghosts,
Or keep away the dark cloaked man.
If everything goes just as planned,
She’ll fly away when the wind blows,
And have what she needs the most,
The world in the palm of her hand.
She’s the most beautiful girl ever,
And she doesn’t even know it yet,
Since she deserves so much better,
Than any person she has ever met.
Her escape has to be now or never,
It’s the best chance she’ll ever get.

The young boy follows the sun down,
The girl walks with it over her back,
Opposites following the same track,
Until sand and snow share the ground.
They meet without making a sound,
A glass barrier between them cracks,
As they intertwine in each others paths,
Their destiny in life is finally found.
He closes his eyes and hugs her tight,
As their journeys both finish here,
She kisses him gently in the moonlight,
And watches her worries disappear,
He holds her and kisses her goodnight,
And no longer lives his life in fear.

So hungry, but too proud to beg,
Even if I did you’d spit in my face.
I never asked for a pseudo savior,
But you just keep walking anyhow.
On the sidewalk, this is my last leg,
All I’ve done until now is a waste,
I have been on my best behavior,
What do I have to show for it now?
I hope the look in my eyes is enough,
For them to understand my anguish,
One of them has to be compassionate,
And understand exactly how I feel.
Somebody else had to have it tough,
And has some sort of hope to give,
The reality is they don’t give a shit,
They would rather just see me steal.
The wind wipes out some of the pain,
A thousand words each blown away,
On polaroids of those I once loved,
Into the gutter where they belong.
By now you’ve forgotten my name,
If you saw me would you still say,
That even when push came to shove,
I would have a shoulder to lean on?
People who promised to never leave,
Wouldn’t offer me a dime these days,
People who once claimed to love me,
All agree that I got what I deserve,
The collective smiles make me grieve,
I am not even worth their change,
They use my misfortunes to feast,
On how their life is so much better.
So cold with nowhere to call home,
I’ve been turned out too many times,
The street is what I truly deserve,
Because nobody will ever need me.
It hurts more than you’ll ever know,
Being persecuted for your crimes,
And you’re too vain to be bothered,
So I am left here alone in my misery.
Each day someone will briefly stop,
To tell me everything will be okay,
In the most insincere tone of voice,
That crushes my spirit even more.
This isn’t the only problem I’ve got,
I try to explain as you walk away,
This way of life wasn’t my choice,
But thanks for your lack of support.
I look for a God every single day,
And tell him that if he cared at all,
He would mercifully end this life,
Since I’m too weak to do it myself.
Everyone still treats me the same,
Like a leper, like a leaf in the fall,
Not worth the effort or the sight,
I’m not a human worth trying to help.

Every once in a while I envision,
That I’m just quietly sitting here,
As someone is staring me down,
With a sniper rifle and a scope,
And I’m a split second decision,
From an ounce of lead in my ear.
Perched in a tree without a sound,
He pulls the photo out of his coat,
Making sure he has the right mark,
He wipes his brow, spits his gum,
Removes his sunglasses and sighs,
As I stand up and leave his sight.
He looks left as I go into the dark,
His back still shadowed by the sun,
Pushing the envelope as he tries,
Firing blindly, missing wide right.
Some days I feel a little paranoid,
Like he watches every step I take,
I try my best to dodge windows,
So I don’t make it too easy on him,
Like everywhere else that I avoid,
Although nowhere really feels safe.
I change pace from fast to slow,
So he doesn’t figure out a rhythm,
Or exactly what time to expect me,
At least I can tell myself I’m smart.
He moves to a rooftop higher still,
So he has more room to work with,
Everywhere I go now he can see,
He steadies his gun like a fine art,
This time he’s shooting for the kill,
I trip and fall and he can only miss.
Every once in a while now I feel like,
Roofs and trees eventually get old,
He needs to stop and rest some time,
So he has to stalk me in other ways.
He has to sleep one of these nights,
Waiting to kill me must take its toll,
I rest easy knowing I will be fine,
And with one shot he blows me away.

Long dead souls roam,
Aimlessly in skeletons,
Their eyes are open,
They take in nothing.
The lack of compassion,
Feeds this depression.
The blood and organs,
Are merely a stuffing,
Waiting for maggots,
To pick at the remains,
Even your fucking God,
Doesn’t want to taste.
They all shake my hand,
Like it causes them pain,
Or maybe they will die,
When they see my face.
The cold steel scalpel,
Makes the first incision,
A doorway to the brain,
To allow reprogramming,
Four more cuts are made,
Two create tunnel vision,
One to kill a conscience,
And one kills compassion.
Stitched up and drugged,
The body is void of pain,
Pushed back into society,
With one goal to achieve.
Due to a proper rewiring,
They’re now fully trained,
To process and react to,
Only what they want to see.
The sky stares in shame,
Of meaningless drones,
With major malfunctions,
All programmed to kill.
Trying not to get infected,
But I have no safe home,
No one has ever offered,
And I know they never will.
No witch doctor voodoo,
Will make this go away.
They pray for a miracle,
To cure all of their ills,
It’s what they deserve,
Or that’s what they say.
But let the truth be told,
They should all be killed.
As blissful as a newborn,
On the day of a baptism,
Nobody can feel a thing,
And nothing is ever wrong.
I only want to be so naive,
That I can rot in prison,
Letting my misery eat at me,
Until it’s magically all gone.
There is an army of billions,
With allegiance to only one,
That I will have no part of,
’til I rightfully burn in hell.
They only love themselves,
And gladly point their gun,
To murder each other before,
They will love anybody else.

My head is hung down in shame again,
I know you’re fucking sick of hearing it,
And I’m tired of burdening my friends,
They’re supposed to be my reason to live.
In a perfect world there would be no me,
Then everything could revolve around you.
That’s the meaning of perfect apparently,
I only hurt you when I tell you the truth.
Tired of kicking over these rocks daily,
Looking for a meaning to this wasted life,
I’ve been trying oh so hard, yet failing,
Maybe in a future life I’ll make it right.
I’ve poured my heart into a million cups,
Baskets I put my eggs in are everywhere,
I feel like I will never again be enough,
To ever satisfy somebody that did care.
I can’t keep nibbling the end of a gun,
And smiling it all off the very next day,
When my trigger finger is the only one,
Who feels like I have a reason to stay.
I now confide in anyone who will listen,
Their words of wisdom are always shit,
But I keep coming back for permission,
To give me a little bit more of their gift.
My hopes and dreams, I thought I knew,
I also thought I could deal with the pain,
Now my perception on life is all skewed,
All I have to show for anything is shame.
I have completely lost touch with reality,
The only thing I once had a firm grip on,
Every route I have chosen is incomplete,
Every day another dream I have is gone.
I keep traveling these one way streets,
Hoping someone will meet me at the end,
I am only met with the taste of defeat,
And a rundown of my actions to defend.
I’m tired of taking it all out on myself,
When nobody else will admit any fault,
I have gone as far as pleading for help,
But obviously it hasn’t gotten me very far.
I’ve blown thousands and wasted weeks,
On too many imaginary people in my past,
I try to nail down memories when I sleep,
And pray that the next one will be the last.
I changed from caring and loving one day,
When I found nobody actually wanted that,
Now you point the finger to call me insane,
When you too erased and rewrote my past.
Until now I never had to make any excuses,
I was a perfectly capable individual usually,
I stood firm even through all of the abuse,
Even brand new feelings used to affect me.
I feel like I am used when I am convenient,
Take away as little or as much as you need,
When I can’t do better with the hand given,
You’ll know exactly right where to find me.
I just want a return on the respect I show,
Loving only an idea rips my heart to shreds,
I question my feelings everywhere that I go,
I’ve been undyingly loyal and I give my best.
Breaking your heart breaks mine tenfold,
I walk on eggshells to prevent that everyday,
But nothing in this world will hurt me more,
Than seeing your heart is merely a charade.

A ghost in the fog creeps to my front door,
Slipping through the cracks into my room,
Waking up unexpectedly, and oh so soon,
To the patter of baby’s feet on the floor.
I find the loaded pistol in my top drawer,
Only by the guiding light of the full moon,
I shoot twice and hear a resonating boom,
Unfazed is the body of a wretched whore.
And she merely laughs gently to herself,
As she descends upon me and kisses me,
Effectively disarming me of my weapon.
I notice the smooth leather from a belt,
Wrapping around both my hands and feet,
And this is apparently when the fun begins.

Piercing eyes sending a seductive stare,
As she rests her index finger over my lips,
She lowers her thighs down onto my hips,
To assure me that I’m not going anywhere.
With a sleight of hand she strips me bare,
I suppose to see if I am properly equipped,
Spreading her arms as if she’s on a crucifix,
A light wind captures her long black hair.
I feel my heart skip and temperature rise,
She wraps both arms around my neck,
And sways her hips, taking total control.
A fiery red appears in both of her eyes,
As she digs her nails deep into my chest,
Reaches down, and comes out with my soul.

Staring at the ceiling with all of her might,
She lets out a high-pitched demonic roar,
And when I think I cannot stand anymore,
The room is engulfed with a blinding light.
Outlines of demons appearing in my sight,
All flocking towards the wretched whore,
In her hand like maggots on an apple core,
For they shall all feast on my soul tonight.
“I thought I already gave this to you once!”
I exclaimed as I laid defenseless in strife,
And at that moment, dead silence befell.
“The soul reincarnates when you do my son,
And I am entitled to it each and every life,
There are no fine print loopholes in hell!”

She took the liberty of gouging out my eyes,
As the demons pulled out each of my nails,
They removed my vocal cords as I flailed,
While taking great measures to keep me alive.
Fingers and toes amputated and cauterized,
Both arms and legs methodically curtailed,
Ears and nose pulled off, my throat impaled,
To finish it off, castrated and sodomized.
The bed portrays the artwork of the insane,
Blood and remains decorated everywhere,
The proverbial icing on the cake for this job.
Ready for my next life, he sets the bed aflame,
A putrid thick black smoke replaces the air,
As the ghost creeps back out into the fog.

V. The Open Door

Grabbing onto his hand like a child,
Too young to know left from right,
Not sure if I am okay or in denial,
A snap of his fingers brings new light.
I feel like I’m falling from a cliff,
Only the air would hear my scream,
Falling so far that I would die if,
I didn’t wake up from the dream.
Pinching myself as the only test,
I know of to find out if this is real,
Grabbed a fold of skin on my chest,
It hurt more than I wanted to feel.
Walking in a valley with a stranger,
With miles of canyon on either side,
I would think my life was in danger,
If I wasn’t convinced I already died.
Any breeze we had is notably absent,
We only have echoes of our footsteps,
If nothing else I was finally convinced,
After we didn’t plunge to our deaths.
I sat next to him on a rock for two,
He pulled out two cigars and a light,
I never smoked but I guess now I do,
My will power isn’t even up for a fight.
Haven’t seen a living thing in miles,
Except for a stray cockroach once,
I choke on the cigar, he just smiles,
The smoke rises up and kills the sun.
Cliff walls resonate like speakers,
To the shaking sound of a stampede,
The sound gradually grows weaker,
Ten million shadows are all I can see.

VI. The Speech

“Now take a guess where you are son,
Yeah you guessed it, welcome to hell.
It only consists of your imagination,
You’ve been here twenty years yourself.”
I shrugged my shoulders and paced,
Looking for a shadow representing me,
“You’re only a sheep in the human race,
Been here since you learned to believe.”
“You see I am not that bad of a guy,
I reside somewhere inside of you all,
Everybody meets me when they die,
Which is only when I answer their call.”
“Isn’t that how you met me today son?”
I nodded my head again in agreement,
“I don’t expect you to beg for salvation,
An’ I ain’t here to heal no Goddamn sins!”
His eyes lit up red in presumable fury,
I stood there unsure of what I’ve done,
“It will all make sense soon, don’t worry,
You are just a fucking weakling son.”
“Love, ha, haven’t you learned by now?
It’s just there to let down your guard,
Meant to let your inner demons out,
And finish a job I’ve already started.”
“Everybody has an agenda you know,
I see you’ve already learned that much,
Your friends, they come and they go,
But know that inside you are all nuts.”
“Religion was created on ideals of misery,
You waste your time on omens and signs.”
I was about to raise my voice to agree,
Before he interjected one last time,
“I fear you know too much now my son,
And I have a tough decision to make.
Do I let you return as the chosen one?
Or now that you’re here should you stay?”

VII. The Decision

“I know you sold your soul to meet me,
The question is, do I owe you anything?
Do you want to be alive, much less free?
Oh, what the fuck am I saying?”
“Betcha had a good ol’ time down here,
And you can’t wait to do it for eternity,
I promise you’ll never shed another tear,
I also assure you will never be happy.”
“I should have left you for the birds,
And you would assume nobody hears you,
You mortals all seem to put faith first,
Common sense is the number one rule.”
“Who were you trying to fool anyhow?
You left home intending to end it all,
Without me you’d be decayed by now,
You’re a coward with no set of balls!”
“Do you think God would have cared?
You think you’re worthy of heaven too?”
I began to answer and he just stared,
He knows my words before my lips move.
“No, no, I feel I would have met you soon,
Under different circumstances I guess,
Figured I would be found dead in a room,
Self-inflicted gunshot wound to the chest.”
“You’ve opened my eyes to a lot of things,
Except for a reason I should stay alive,
Unless I’m a glutton for pain and suffering,
You might as well leave me here to die.”
He picked me up by the neck to eye level,
And proceeded to spit directly in my face,
“You often forget I am the fucking devil,
However you are no more than a waste!”
I made a squeak at him at the very best,
Before he threw me into the cliff wall,
“Failure, my son, is your only success,
Get your sorry ass up, fucking stand tall.”

VIII. The Journey

I woke up to find myself in a green field,
All four corners surrounded by trees,
My skin once again burned and peeled,
No sun or heat yet, but also no breeze.
It looks like a backdrop from a movie,
No other living things except for myself,
Acres of serenity as far as I can see,
Just absolute silence in a quest for help.
Motioning both of my hands like a mime,
Trying to escape from imaginary bounds,
Looking high and low for any kind of sign,
Or anything to get me the fuck out.
Found hope behind one evergreen tree,
A white picket fence ten miles high,
Carved in it was a note specifically to me,
“Here’s the green grass on the other side.”
Bewildered as to what that could mean,
I just screamed at the top of my lungs,
And cursed everything from sun to sea,
Until I spotted a rabbit hole with a gun.
I picked it up not knowing if I’d need it,
But figured it’d be handy just in case,
A dry crack in my hand began to split,
Grimaces of pain reappear on my face.
Still oblivious to my current location,
I only know this is somewhere better,
Could this be one’s final destination?
Or a P.S. at the end of my life’s letter?
I begin to dig with my broken hands,
To crawl below the unclimbable fence,
Twenty feet of soil mixed with sand,
To find out this footer has no end.
One more idea I must have overlooked,
I gather rocks and sticks for a fire,
And finish with a burned pile of soot,
A curse from Satan himself I compile.
I walk to the spring for some water,
At least he’s not entirely merciless,
Laughs rise from my hole at the footer,
From very familiar voices I must admit.

IX. The Final Answer

The sounds of all of my loved ones,
From the past until the present day,
Laughing, screaming and having fun,
Everything else just sounds the same.
I hear a familiar family happily united,
A decade after supposedly going awry,
With no wedge keeping them divided,
All in a relationship not built on hate.
I hear the voices of every poor soul,
That I’ve given myself to at one time,
All in love with somebody meaningful,
Minus the heartbreak and the crying.
I witness my friends now with a life,
Experiencing simple joys they missed,
Going to sleep with a smile at night,
Not being around someone meaningless.
It still just doesn’t make any sense,
Everyone in my life is finally happy,
I know somewhere beyond the fence,
They are much better off without me.
“Where am I? I know you’re listening!”
I exclaimed loudly into the lifeless air,
A wind beyond the trees began whistling,
And I was instantly filled with despair.
A handwritten note blew to my feet,
The top of the paper partially torn,
‘The greener pastures that you seek,
Is a life in which you were never born.
Hope this brings some sort of closure,
And you successfully choose your fate,
I’m so glad you kept your composure,
And we had such a lovely little date.
This is the truth that I wanted to tell,
But we were way too busy reminiscing,
Understandably nobody takes it well,
Knowing nobody cares if you’re missing.
You needed drastic measures to realize.
P.S. I know you already found the gun.’
I pull the trigger and clench my eyes,
“Nice to see you back so soon my son.”