Our love spilled here on the floor
Took the high road again, here I am
Picking up the pieces of the past
I see they never meant a fucking thing
You’ve had one foot out the door
It wasn’t an ‘if’ but a when you ran
All the years to the Monday morning trash
There’s not even value in the ring
I’ve been trying to speak up for years
But the words never come out of my mouth
Tears soak the pillow and I fade away
Biting my tongue beats upsetting you
Every day it’s only what you want to hear
My poker face cannot hide the doubts
Treat me like characters that you play
Deleting me for space when you’re through
Unlovable, unfuckable, what am I?
A stop in the road all expenses paid?
Was I an appetizer to the main course
That someone cooked better than me?
Below your standards, can’t tell me why
Is stability the reason you stayed?
Or is it all the emotional support
You learned nice guys all give for free?
Been saying for years that I’d die alone
Your touch is less often than a full moon
I forgot what it feels like to be alive
You won’t notice I’m gone until you’re poor
The lies that you love me I can’t condone
Just easier to punch my last ticket soon
Than to give anyone else my keys to drive
Don’t want to play in your game anymore

It feels like I’m screaming into an empty room
My tears are a novelty, they must not be real
Is this padded room home or is this my tomb?
You just stare from the window as I try to deal
The day will come when I can no longer cope
I’ve reached for help and I’ve said my piece
My only regret when I dangle from that rope
Is missing out on phony comments like these:

“I wish I would have seen the signs”
“I wish they would have opened up”
“We were close for such a long time”
“If only they knew that they were loved”
“Gone too soon, prayers to the family”
“At least they’re no longer suffering”
“They were like an older sibling to me”
“It looks like an angel got their wings”
“It’s all part of his plan, God is good!”
“I shared the number but they didn’t call”
“I would have done anything I could”
“They had the world and they lost it all”
“Check in on your friends’ mental health”
“I hear so many cries I didn’t know it was real”
“We were like best friends, my heart melts”
“This was so selfish, how do you think I feel?”
“Missing them dearly, oh this is so sad!”
“I wish they knew what they had left to live for”
“They’re in a better place, back with their dad”
“At least there will be no pain anymore”
“My heart hurts, they were so strong”
“I don’t know why, I was always there!”
“The world won’t be the same with them gone”
“Sending well wishes, thoughts and prayers”

Here by the light of the moon I still drive
While my home has never felt so far away
Thoughts of death have never felt so alive
I’m not ready for the light of another day
Singing songs of sorrow stuck in my head
There are no other stations in this town
The steering wheel is cold, my vision red
I see ghosts coming up from the ground
My father would be turning in his grave
If he saw the failure that I’ve become
Rest assured it’s not attention I crave
I’m one errant turn away from my freedom
Maybe I’m ready to take a detour tonight
But we know I’ll only burn for an eternity
Tears glisten from the passing headlights
As I mash the pedal to gain more speed
I’d send you flowers and say I’m wrong
But my words don’t mean a fucking thing
This highway will be better with me gone
Tonight will end with me gaining my wings
Do you even know what on Earth you’d do
If I didn’t make it back home tomorrow?
Maybe you’d just assume we were through
Maybe you’d feel a sliver of my sorrow
The newspaper will absolve me of my sins
They only post praise and not the facts
This road ends where a new life begins
I have driven too far to ever turn back
A note in the glovebox pours out my soul
You’ll skim for clues to place the blame
But before my remains have gotten cold
Memories of me wash away with the rain

Persistence –
The first word that comes to mind
To keep fighting a losing fight
Each and every gut wrenching night
Self depreciation churns inside
Nothing will ever be good enough
But the fuel that builds the fire
Trying to elevate myself higher
Are unrealistic goals I made up
Drag myself through my own hell
I know what I did to deserve this
Nothing left for me here to miss
There’s no chance this ends well

Persistence –
And not knowing when to cut bait
When I see the writing on the wall
But continue to give it my all
Knowing God damned well of my fate
Slowly watching their faces diminish
Looking for new ways to reach out
Reassuring them that without a doubt
They drifted off before we finished
Aimlessly casting lures into the lake
Smart fish take the worm not the hook
That’s the oldest trick in their book
Yet I never learn from my mistakes

Persistence –
Stare at the mirror in pure disgust
I’d cut off my face with a dull blade
This charade starts every fucking day
As I lick the razor and taste the rust
Self mutilation like it’s a kids game
People say blame God, I say he’s fake
Immortal men don’t make these mistakes
All undesirable people feel the same
Maybe I was born in the wrong skin
Toeing that fine line in between
Being ugly and just being obscene
But still I’ve refused to give in

Persistence –
The desire to always be the best
As the fattest bird atop the landfill
To feast on carcasses others killed
Thriving on the discards of the rest
Leading a life only the maggots envy
That weren’t fast enough to the meat
But they all have a front row seat
As a much larger predator eats at me
My wings are pulled as I’m paralyzed
Hunters are aroused by my screams
I find shelter in shit filled ravines
As I’m too stupid to give up and die

Persistence –
Waking up daily asking myself why
Wearing a smile for sixteen hours
Being void of emotion shows power
When I want to break down and cry
Life is the same shit song on repeat
With heavy static ruining the tone
I feel like a vagabond even at home
Surviving has become no small feat
Strangers tell me to keep my head up
I can’t keep asking them what for
This song I don’t want to hear anymore
But at the same time I can’t get enough

Can’t shake this helpless feeling
Where my hands are always tied
And there is no turning back
Nerves are through the ceiling
Losing the will to be alive
Feelings don’t replace the facts

Nobody deserves this kind of pain
I would sacrifice myself instead
To not see you wither like this
The treatment feels so inhumane
A strong man will beg for death
But they say this life is a gift

We’ve had our differences, sure
Also had the days of our lives
Now the missed time haunts me
Can’t battle this evil anymore
As you merely fight to survive
It all feels like a bad dream

Trying my best to be a man
Somehow keep my shit together
It’s what you’d want from me
The cold shake from your hand
I promise soon it’ll be better
Just not ready for you to leave

A cigarette in the ashtray
Is the only glow you have left
And we can both see the end
So many things for me to say
Before you take your last breath
But one day we will meet again

This night is slipping from my grasp
I have overstayed my welcome I fear.
Telling myself stories time and again
Doesn’t make regret or despair go away.
You made me slip through the cracks
There is nothing left for me here.
When sorrow and lust begin to blend
There’s no reason left for me to stay.
Maybe I never saw the signs, maybe I did
Nobody is concerned about my happiness
Until it enriches their selfish desires
And I crawled down that path once more.
The fog covered the holes in the bridge
I make excuses for footing I’ve missed.
Moon in my eyes and walking on a wire
Lost my balance here many times before.
Become a statistic before I go too far
An afterthought to you, I have no doubt.
I will follow this road until the end
Knowing only nature will accompany me.
Tonight I will shoot for the stars
Via one through the roof of my mouth.
Done searching for that feeling again
As I curse the ground beneath my feet.
Carve the words I’m too afraid to say
Into the side of a hundred year oak.
These things I’m too weak to tell you
I need for my soul to be at peace.
The never ending battle must end today
I’ll still be nothing after the smoke.
When the pleasantry and pomp is through
My words are something you’d never read.
A bed of unkempt leaves to find comfort
Harvest moon shines over eternal sleep.
Nobody else wants to sing this sad song
Where our imperfections come to light.
One with the stars, one with the dirt
There’s no shame in the company I keep.
Just because everything went wrong
Doesn’t mean I didn’t try to do it right.

Asleep behind the wheel, I’m at this once again.
Thought I was giving it up for good this time.
I sold off my will to live when I bought my friends,
Again I was too delusional to see all the signs.
Listening to ‘Interstate Love Song’ on repeat,
I think we share a lot of the same evils tonight.
Reaching what I thought was the top was no small feat,
But it’s harder to hit rock bottom and still fight.
Every yesterday was once a tomorrow that failed,
For some reason probably all within my control.
I know that southern train has already set sail,
While I’m gluing together the remnants of my soul.
It’s been two long years and before that five more,
Since I relapsed into this stumbling, shaking mess.
The road was never smooth so I decided on a detour,
Where I picked up more demons than I will confess.
Looking in the rearview mirror I can only think,
Has the been trip worth it or is it all for nothing?
Promises of what I seemed to be all down the sink,
A trunk of baggage was all I could stand to bring.
I divulged my dark secrets to an unsuspecting few,
My fate lies within their ability not to tell.
I’m hiding in the back seat confused by the truth,
Crying for help without dragging them into my hell.
Drowning your existence the only way I know how.
My weaknesses fit inside of this one ounce glass,
My only strength can’t remember my name right now.
These withdrawls and the suffering will both pass.
Three minutes of honesty as I slip from lucidity,
Not like anybody is close enough to pay attention.
Strange eyes blatantly judging me in the vicinity,
I will stagger back to the car without a mention.
Gonna strap myself in for one last hell of a ride,
Tonight breathing is the hardest thing to do.
White knuckles, windows down, death be on my side,
Like that old saying there’s nothing left to lose.
You can follow some men home by their track marks,
Others will never let you know where they’ve been.
There is a journey for which I’m about to embark,
And it’s one of those fairytales with no happy end.

Still spiraling further out of control,
I remember the man I used to be, he’s gone.
I try to sweep up the pieces of my soul,
Pour it down the drain, suck it up, carry on.
Trying to leave this negativity on paper,
It’s getting hard writing to no one at all,
While believing there’s gonna be a savior,
Who thinks this ink hurts less than scars.
Every so often I find that glimmer of hope,
That will keep me from ending it all at bay,
The sad part is you and I both already know,
In only a matter of days you will wash away.
Peeling off the skin to reveal underneath,
I see I made a monster when I gave you an ego.
Looking for your value outside of the sheets,
Fucking worthless as we both already know.
Peeking above waves as despair pulls me down,
I’ve gotten myself in too deep to swim ashore.
You think it’s gone too far even when I drown?
You mean more to me than I do to myself anymore.
I just want to know when I’m wasting my time,
As good as it gets ain’t fucking good at all.
There has to be more to it than bleeding me dry,
That keeps you tripping me every time I fall.
I’m cold and I’m ugly and nothing can save me,
I don’t even feel like I’m making sense anymore.
Distress calls aren’t getting through it seems,
At this point what am I even treading water for?

Never thought I would make it this far,
I’ll be the first one to admit that much.
It hasn’t been all bad contrary to belief,
But God damn it hasn’t been great by default.
If I valued life in a home, money and cars,
The past few years have far from sucked.
Though I’m sitting here crippled with grief,
Since self depreciation is what I was taught.
Been sitting here nine summers plus the last,
Waiting to be betrayed if only I had a friend.
Salvation in suffering just like religion,
And I have been dying for your fucking sins.
Been left alone to die so much in the past,
That I am still too gunshy to trust again.
The thorns are stuck inside the incisions,
Is this where forgiveness ends or begins?
I find solace in shameful, childish things,
Such as rising above those who’ve mocked me.
At the end of it all I’m still left to wonder,
Do they feel anything quite like this hate?
I usually don’t care what tomorrow brings,
As long as they get back the same apathy,
That once upon a time dragged me under,
And turned me into the disaster I am today.
I hope you find salvation in my suffering,
Unless you are still void of any emotion.
In which case I hope you never smile again,
And I will show you around my personal hell.
One day you’ll cope with the pain I sing,
Then you’ll be overcome with the same notion,
To kick out the chair and put sorrow to an end,
And when that day comes, I’ll be doing well.

At what age do your dreams finally die?
When seeing the morning light becomes a chore,
Because you know you have lost your will,
And everyday is more of a curse than blessing.
At what point do you succumb to the voices inside,
That keep insisting you can’t do this anymore?
And empty whiskey bottles are your only thrill,
That aren’t too fucking morbid for confessing.
Why do once lucid dreams become monochrome,
And everything is soaked in greys or red?
When do you come to terms that you’ve failed,
And that it’s too late to turn things around?
There comes a time any pillow feels like home,
To drown out the voices mumbling in your head,
That are telling you that the ship has sailed,
And the only place to go from here is down.
At what age do you stop feeding your delusions,
And see that you are beneath everybody else?
Should normal daydreams ever incite sadness,
After accepting you aren’t worthy of shit?
At what age is happiness just an illusion,
And you throw away the cards you were dealt?
When should lucidity turn into this madness,
And the end of life no longer has a script?
At what point do you stop thinking ahead,
And regret the mistakes that got you here?
The dream is dead and so are your friends,
And hindsight is all that you still cling on.
At what age do you brush off the insults said,
If the only thing keeping you standing is fear?
Is there a day a broken heart no longer mends,
And if it bleeds out, will this pain be gone?