Driving through the storm,
With my sunglasses hiding,
My eyes from everything I,
Didn’t ever want to watch,
Occur right in front of me.
I’ve already had to endure,
All these years of fighting,
For any reasons to be alive,
And to see them all botched,
Is just too hard to believe.
I paved this road on my own,
With over twenty years of,
My tears, my blood, my life,
Just to find you somewhere,
On the other side of it all.
I wasn’t meant to be alone,
In hopes for a type of love,
That eludes me every night,
Or I would’ve quit to care,
Before I ran into this wall.
A million miles spent on you,
Is a million miles misspent,
I streched myself this far,
Giving to you all that I am,
So you’d take it all and run.
This journey cannot be true,
I just want to find the end,
Seeing you leave is too hard,
To deal with this ever again,
If I’m a nobody to everyone.

Peeling seven layers of skin,
To find whatever lies within,
Giving me a kind of strength,
To be pulled to such lengths,
Of hell, of fucking torture,
By tolerating each of your,
Deathtraps, and these lies,
To fuck me up on the inside,
And drive me to killing you,
In a dream like I always do.
Clawing in through my chest,
To make it all hurt me less,
And remove a beating heart,
Before it stops, or starts,
To drown in misery or guilt,
Of love, of an urge to kill,
Every infection I’ve ever,
Had to fight, had to severe,
To survive another minute,
Of pain that comes with it.
Gouging at both of my eyes,
So I don’t ever recognize,
What it is you can do to me,
I am spared if I can’t see,
The blood shed on the floor,
Wasn’t laying there before,
I entered this black room,
I have accepted as my tomb,
I allowed you to lock me in,
Without fear, without sin.
Digging a hole to my brain,
To suspend all of the pain,
For just one brief moment,
While leaving myself open,
For anything that arrives,
As I’m playing with knives,
Hoping one falls just right,
And gives me a renewed life,
As far as possible from you,
Like you and I begged me to.

A different approach,
To get the same result,
Sew my wrists closed,
And act like an adult.
Not for a good reason,
It never does matter,
Loving you is treason,
I am losing the battle.
A torn life preserver,
That will not hold air,
Is what I’m living for,
If I as much as dare.
Taking the shortcuts,
Into the hardest path,
Staple my mouth shut,
And leave me to gasp.
Twenty million colors,
Bundled up into three,
Black, white, no other,
Than a grey can I see.
Yesterday is tomorrow,
Today is a day before,
I can’t end the sorrow,
Or tolerate it anymore.
Apologies are all empty,
And far out of context,
For me to ever believe,
What you will do next.
The same old approach,
Yields the best result,
With both eyes closed,
You are not the adult.
I never have a reason,
To make it all matter,
Knowing that treason,
Is your wasted battle.
Keep a life preserver,
As well as all your air,
I learned to swim for,
Any time that you dare.
I enjoy the shortcuts,
Interrupting your path,
With my two ears shut,
I can’t hear you gasp.
You don’t have colors,
Not even a basic three,
You’re like every other,
Monochrome spot I see.
I don’t dread tomorrow,
Like I once did before,
I won’t be your sorrow,
Or a scapegoat anymore.
You are beyond empty,
I omit you from context,
Because I don’t believe,
You get to kill me next.

The truth was never meant to hurt,
It wasn’t meant to feel good either,
Small details are important words,
That always leave me here to teeter,
Somewhere along the edge of sanity,
Or on the edge of a straight blade,
Because I’ve lost hope in humanity,
Leaving me with no more than faith.
I’m claustrophobic, the area shrinks,
With every door slammed in my face,
This heart is too dense not to sink,
When it’s abused and laid to waste,
Then left here to die all by itself,
In a graveyard where even outcasts,
Refuse to be subjected to the hell,
Of regret and shame on their past.
An easy way out of this whole mess,
Is still the hardest decision to make,
If I, unlike you, have a conscience,
And care about the spirits I break.
The biggest lies are found in truth,
It has become unbearable to accept,
Wasting my time on you is the proof,
The worst secrets are the best kept.

Another letdown, from the one I love the most,
I am one hundred percent sure that she knows,
The key to my heart, and the way to destroy it,
All in the shape, the size of an unexpected gift,
That I never once thought I’d recieve from her,
If I meant anything at all inside her small world.
Another setback, in my hopeless pursuit of hope,
She’s well aware she’s my bullet, she’s my rope,
That she will only use in my most vulnerable time,
Of need, of reconciliation to a God I’ve denied,
Trying to find salvation in something I can touch,
Only this God knows I was asking way too much.
Another disaster, mentally, emotionally, literally,
She’s fucking ruining me, she’s slowly poisoning,
My immunity, my own self-defense to the disease,
Slowly, violently, yet somehow gently killing me,
Everytime she stares at me, everytime she speaks,
And says she loves me but it isn’t what she needs.
Another dead-end, in the life, the death I chose,
She’s the color blood red inside my funeral rose,
Looking over me as I sleep silently, so detached,
From everything I ever loved, everything I had,
Since she has taken it all, she has kept it inside,
Her frigid heart, her bleak soul, her hazel eyes.
Another regret, found in the most obvious place,
I was ready, I knew she would spit in my face,
Like she has done eighty thousand times before,
She was everything to me, I was nothing to her,
And I should’ve known better then trying again,
If only I could let these selfish obsessions end.

Misery, I’ve found, all on my own,
Without a friend, without a home,
To curl up inside, to die in alone,

Faith, I’ve lost, within God’s hell,
To lessen all the pain he has dealt,
And supress this anguish I’ve felt.

Hope, I’ve found, in wrong ways,
Feeding addictions all these days,
Adding to this destructive decay.

Life, I’ve lost, within your voice,
Each word I hear is a faint noise,
To it I succumb without a choice.

Withdrawl, I’ve found, by myself,
A perfect solution, is on the shelf,
I can’t reach it without your help.

Dignity, I’ve lost, with each word,
I ever cried, you have ever heard,
Or anytime I’ll ever rest assured.

Happiness, I’ve found, is all a lie,
All I posess, means nothing inside,
Comfort won’t be found ’til I die.

Sadness, I’ve lost, a battle within,
How I must rebuild, I can’t begin,
Or imagine another day in this skin.

So now I know better than to,
Get my hopes up just for you,
Failure is part of your nature,
I guess I needed to make sure,
That throughout all of this pain,
Not one thing has ever changed.
You lead multiple lives somehow,
With intents of pulling me down,
To be miserable just like you are,
With little empathy in your heart.
Like wanting oil and water to mix,
You nailed me onto your crucifix,
Trying to do what can’t be done,
And create a different someone,
Out of things that do not belong,
To blend with each other at all.
You love me most the time I need,
You to be here for me the least,
I feel like I’m repeating myself,
Everytime I’ve needed your help,
Since you will not ever change,
The outcome is always the same.
I gave you benefit of the doubt,
For this very last time without,
Weighing all the consequences,
Or worrying about the expenses,
So you can fuck it all up again,
And bring life to this bitter end.

Papier-mache people with heartbeats,
Are polluting each and every street,
Aimlessly shooting verbal bullets from,
Their proverbial yet powerless guns,
With the innocent in their cross hairs,
To correct those puzzled, blank stares,
Over the happiness, money, and beauty,
That the shallow are supposed to see.
Gasping for breath not even their own,
Just for the chance to steal, although,
The supply is endless, as is the desire,
To take the last thing, to fuel the fire,
Deep inside of their flammable souls,
Without remorse, without self-control,
And without regret, beg for the things,
They need to control the smoldering,
So it doesn’t damage, it doesn’t kill,
Such a pitiful drive, such a sad will,
To continue another illogical mission,
From a far less compromising position,
Stationed somewhere around the core,
Of the innocent they shot down before.
They are the most feared people alive,
Killing the weak with their stone eyes,
Without ever muttering a single thing,
With one disappointed fast glancing.
The innocent are actually guilty ones,
Giving the powerless these weapons,
To destroy them one insult at a time,
Without self-defense for the crime,
Of belittlement by wasted humanity,
Poisoned by their own fucking vanity.

All these things we do to get ourselves high,
For one more hour, for the rest of the night,
Are decaying our minds, destroying our lives,
Not knowing if it’s worth all of the sacrifice.
If idols can survive one short trip at a time,
A simple question arises of why couldn’t I?
Everyone that I don’t know yet is abusing it,
Giving me a kind of newly found confidence.
It is not a want, it is not desire, it is a need,
Even if I’m labeled a failure when I succeed.
Lines on a table are as pronounced and wide,
As the veins bulging from my bloodshot eyes.
It’s still not enough to make me want to quit,
Of all the vices I could pick this had to be it.
I can’t stop this, I promise it’s not my fault,
I don’t wanna die, I don’t wanna be caught.
This addiction is insurmountable in my mind,
If nothing else is satisfying that I can find.
Abandonment found me before I found you,
I would’ve never asked for a life of recluse.
Happiness should not be something I ingest,
It also should not make you love me any less.
I hate myself for it more than anything else,
Not having a soul to give away muchless sell.
The days keep getting shorter as they pass,
I never thought I could kill myself this fast.
I am tired of measuring my love by the gram,
I hate drugs, I hate my life, I hate who I am.
I am no better, only much worse than anyone,
Only a worthless shell of myself I’ve become.

It’s been like this forever,
But now I feel the need to,
Apologize for all the hearts,
I have destroyed in the past.
After every plotting, clever,
Scheme I had, I never knew,
Exactly how deep the scars,
Get, and how long they last.
I put so many others through,
An anguish similar to my own,
Kinda like it was my payback,
To everyone that abused me,
Even if deep inside I knew,
I’d still be miserable alone,
No matter if I showed tact,
I was going to be the enemy.
I still hate myself as much,
Quite possibly a little more,
As I did before I met you,
For subjecting you to this,
Wreck of my life and such,
That didn’t ruin you before,
I decided to tell the truth,
That I am merely hopeless.
I am still terribly ashamed,
Of the innocent ones caught,
In this web of insecurities,
Even more powerful than I.
I don’t seem to be the same,
Person that was once taught,
To overlook your impurities,
Or give second chances a try.
I am sorry to anyone at all,
Who ever lost sleep at night,
Over something I have done,
If it was blatant or otherwise,
I want to help when you fall,
But I know it’s just not right,
To blindly wave a loaded gun,
And pray no one but me dies.
I know I am so hard to read,
I feel the same about myself,
It’s not my desire to inflict,
Pain at all, it’s my complexion.
You don’t want or ever need,
My abuse when I try to help,
How I acted makes me sick,
I need to erase my reflection.