It’s been like this forever,
But now I feel the need to,
Apologize for all the hearts,
I have destroyed in the past.
After every plotting, clever,
Scheme I had, I never knew,
Exactly how deep the scars,
Get, and how long they last.
I put so many others through,
An anguish similar to my own,
Kinda like it was my payback,
To everyone that abused me,
Even if deep inside I knew,
I’d still be miserable alone,
No matter if I showed tact,
I was going to be the enemy.
I still hate myself as much,
Quite possibly a little more,
As I did before I met you,
For subjecting you to this,
Wreck of my life and such,
That didn’t ruin you before,
I decided to tell the truth,
That I am merely hopeless.
I am still terribly ashamed,
Of the innocent ones caught,
In this web of insecurities,
Even more powerful than I.
I don’t seem to be the same,
Person that was once taught,
To overlook your impurities,
Or give second chances a try.
I am sorry to anyone at all,
Who ever lost sleep at night,
Over something I have done,
If it was blatant or otherwise,
I want to help when you fall,
But I know it’s just not right,
To blindly wave a loaded gun,
And pray no one but me dies.
I know I am so hard to read,
I feel the same about myself,
It’s not my desire to inflict,
Pain at all, it’s my complexion.
You don’t want or ever need,
My abuse when I try to help,
How I acted makes me sick,
I need to erase my reflection.

These words of another man,
Getting me through every day,
Defining this person that I am,
When I’ve turned all else away,
These words are strong enough,
To accept as my own, if only I,
Were the rightful owner of such,
Words, and such a gorgeous mind.
And these words of another man,
Have kept me living for this long,
There is really no way that I can,
Thank you for all you have done,
Even if you never knew how much,
You have inspired over the years,
And the ways you have touched,
Me personally without being here.
These words of another man,
Created an illusion all can see,
And reached each individual fan,
With both significance and piety.
These words are pure emotion,
From a single heart they bleed,
Forming the most sincere ocean,
Of hope that anyone could need.
All these words of another man,
Perfecting what I wanted to say,
If I were strong enough to stand,
To tolerate every bit of the pain.
With these words I will grow old,
As I grow strong, as I grow tall,
You remind me I can stay COLD,
And having nothing, is having all.
But these words of another man,
Will always be able to remind me,
That all I once was, is what I am,
And accepting myself might be,
The toughest challenge I ever,
Need to find faith in to endure.
I can find God, but I can never,
Continue without your words.

Something is bothering you,
Something is disturbing me,
You are still telling the truth,
Kind of, sort of, technically.
Half of you is only mystery,
And impossible to figure out,
That’s just the bit I can see,
How can’t I be full of doubt?
Secrets are tearing us apart,
While they keep us together,
As much as I trust my heart,
It is abused and weathered,
And I know the entire story,
Will divide us even further,
So I do not need to worry,
Over a love, over a murder.
What I do not know hurts,
If it’s all for my own good,
I already survived the worst,
Type of your abuse I could,
So I think I can withstand,
Every grenade you can throw,
Hidden inside well-planned,
Secrets I should never know.
The details leak out slowly,
Like water from a dry well,
As the puddle keeps growing,
So do all the stories you tell.
A dark winding tunnel I walk,
To search deeper inside this,
Secret, this soul, I could fall,
Forever, deeply in love with,
If the path were only clear,
Instead of this uphill climb,
That I admit I do truly fear,
Since it hurts more everytime.
So many times I have been cut,
Open to collect your secrets,
Then prematurely sewn shut,
Before any of those deepest,
Could even sink in thoroughly,
I do not want to feel anymore,
And I do not ever again need,
Secrets from another whore.

Never ending life in the pages,
Of some fairytale, of a fiction,
Where good men are winners,
And characters have emotions.
Split up into sixty-four stages,
Of his own immortal depiction,
As he conquers all the sinners,
Cures the sick, and parts oceans,
Later convincing you it’s based,
Solely on truth, not on folktale,
And have faith in every parable,
Otherwise be condemned to hell.
A friend of Jesus is two-faced,
Then named a saint we must hail.
As long as a thief is charitable,
We must pardon his sins as well.
Only ten loosely interpeted laws,
Are used to determine the fate,
Of mankind, before a judgement,
Determines who sinned the least.
We are all confined in the walls,
Of instilled fear, instilled hate,
Where common sense is absent,
And all intelligent life ceased.
It is a book that makes the sane,
Go out of their mind as they try,
To follow in the footsteps of,
Heroes who weren’t even real.
Gluttony labels all personal gain,
The bad men live, good men die,
The world is not filled with love,
These issues a book cannot heal.

Take me to a somewhere,
Incredibly far from here,
Where I have more to bear,
Than a soul filled with fear.
I can’t rinse this all away,
I do no more than pretend,
I’ve said all I need to say,
Hoping you’d comprehend,
Exactly how you treat me,
Identical to everyone else,
Maybe some day you’ll see,
How much sorrow I’ve felt.
I never wanted to succumb,
To a being weaker than I,
I never wanted to go numb,
Or wish to God I could die,
And avoid a chance to fail,
But I still beg, I still pray,
Just like usual, to no avail,
I can’t rinse this all away.
Take me to a somewhere,
Far from another letdown,
Far from your cold stare,
To a place safe and sound.
I can’t rinse this all away,
And it will remain forever,
My heart, my hands stained,
From every vein I severed,
Of another man, of my own,
While I tried finding myself,
In the blood of the unknown,
If I couldn’t get their help.
I can’t hurt the others again,
Alone, forever, I must stay,
In the beginning, in the end,
I can’t rinse this all away.

Searching for a soul,
In the darkest hole,
I’m lost, I’m stuck,
Everything is fucked,
Inside of this maze,
Inside of this place,
I want to get out,
I do not know how,
To stop all of this,
So I can accomplish,
What could have been,
Although once again,
I ruined another shot,
To come out on top,
I must get used to it,
It’s the same old shit,
As every other day,
It is all the same,
I shall never win,
If I am your burden.
I fit things together,
To make it all better,
Plaguing me with doubt,
It never works out,
To make wrongs right,
Until out of sight,
Distant enough away,
From such a mistake,
To avoid the aftershock,
When the bomb drops,
Though still filling me,
With a form of a guilty,
Conscience from all,
The lives I have mauled,
All by placing myself,
In the middle of hell,
Begging to be saved,
From my early grave,
And the pain within,
From being a burden.
Escape is too bloody,
But none will miss me.
They won’t realize,
That I’ve even died,
For countless weeks,
Since nobody needs,
Any burdens like me,
Lying at their feet,
And nobody cares,
About my welfare,
Even enough to try,
To allow me to decide,
If I want to exist,
One more worthless,
Blink of your eye,
Before I go and die,
Without any chance,
To recieve a penance,
For living a mortal sin,
Of being your burden.

Maybe I am just too easy to get,
And that is my biggest problem.
Or you’re too hard to figure out,
And this is all a waste of my time.
Mysteries of you are in my head,
I can’t ever seem to solve them,
I just want one day to be about,
Something positive for my mind.
The rules are self-explanatory,
Sitting right here in front of me,
And I’m just trying to find a way,
To bend them in my good interest.
I’m tired of making up this story,
All to hide what you already see,
Since I can’t find words to say,
This is not yet love, only distress.
A deep silence feels like the end,
So I always have to keep talking,
Or else I’ll be out of the picture,
By the time you realize it’s quiet.
I always say I won’t do it again,
Of course here I am still walking,
Looking for some sacred scipture,
To impact me beyond my defiance.
This time I cannot accept defeat,
It keeps getting harder everytime,
When giving up becomes typical,
And the choices only become less.
There is no way I can compete,
With everyone else in your line,
But you alyways seem so mythical,
I don’t want to adore anyone else.
You may be expendable but I lie,
All to myself thinking otherwise,
Because I’m too neurotic to find,
Someone to tolerate me anymore.
I’ve tried so hard, but I still die,
Everytime you ask for my advice,
About every situation in which I,
Only wish I could become yours.

I lay my head in my arms wondering,
What I could have done differently,
To make me want to be here anymore.
It’s cold, it’s raining, it’s thundering,
And that’s the only omen that I see,
When I step into the outside world.
I stop, I look around, I find nothing,
To keep up my hope, keep my interest,
For another day, for another eternity.
I keep on falling, I keep on brushing,
The dirt off my knees, the distress,
Off my mind, no matter how dirty,
I still never learn as I really should.
Sometimes I wake up with migraines,
From all of the bullshit in my mind,
And all the pain, the pressure, could,
Make me want to eliminate my pain,
By witnessing everyone I love die.
I feel terrible, It’s not intentional,
But it is just a sickness, a disease,
A need, to remove this infection,
And act like this one dimensional,
Person that I am, with huge needs,
Without a sense of self-direction.
I am a disappointment, I hate this,
Some things never seem to change,
And it’s not worth fighting anymore.
I need more then your love, a kiss,
To help me erase, rewrite this page,
Explaining what I am even here for.

I’ve told her nothing but the truth,
Still she thinks I’m a complete liar.
She’s confused, pretty convinced,
I do not fit in her perfect world,
Like I used to, when I could soothe,
When I could fill her every desire,
That she had yearned for ever since,
She was still an immature little girl.
Opposites may or may not attract,
I think we’ll never know the truth,
Since neither of us are sure where,
We are in comparison to each other.
Our hearts, our feelings are intact,
Even if she won’t provide any proof,
I know she is just fine over there,
She can’t have weakness uncovered.
I am perceived as a failure by her,
Even though I am still the same now,
Or possibly even a little bit better,
As I was on that day we first met.
Things are better then they were,
So I still do not understand how,
She can dispose of me in a letter,
With her tenacious, weak mindset.
She will forget in less than a week,
That I was a part of her existance,
And everything will be fine again,
Like it was before I came around.
She will get right back on her feet,
With very little or no resistance,
And yet again forget every friend,
And leave them lying on the ground.
I don’t miss her, I don’t need her,
Though I would like an explanation,
For the things no one understands,
That run through her fragile mind.
She thinks I am erratic, I concur,
I have been trying to be patient,
And I’ve given in to her demands,
But I won’t stay in these confines.
I wonder if they are all the same,
And one day I will get to find out,
I’ve made bigger mistakes before,
And potentially many more ahead,
I’m quite alright with taking blame,
And I am just fine going without,
The wicked thing you call love for,
As long as it takes, until I’m dead.
Maybe it’s my fault and I’m blind,
I know I am still far from worthy,
Even further from being perfect,
Which is all one can really ask for.
I know it isn’t her fault everytime,
Ninety percent of the time it’s me,
Even though it still makes me sick,
I just don’t seem to care anymore.

It’s life as usual, just like always,
No changes for better or worse,
I do not need to live, most days.
It is like beating a dead horse,
Trying to get the issues across,
To people too ignorant to figure,
Without hearing about the cost,
If I want to release the trigger.
…You said I must be happy.
It’s life as usual, it never ends,
The days get harder, get longer,
The open wounds never do mend,
And I’m not getting any stronger.
The words said only undermine,
And you think it’s good for me,
You miss out on the bottom line,
This is not who I wanted to be.
…I only wanted to be happy.
It’s life as usual, still a waste,
All that was done didn’t justify,
Even a lone drop, even one taste,
Of time when I don’t need to die,
To feel loved, wanted, accepted,
By those who are closest to home.
The rejection in being neglected,
Is everything that I have known.
…How is it I can be happy?
It’s life as usual, all drawn out,
With no escape, and no reason,
To deter the inevitable doubts,
Also considered to be treason.
Everything was just to satisfy,
Yourself at whatever my cost,
In the end I want to know why,
When all I loved has been lost,
Why do you tell me to be happy?