It’s another one of those days,
Where suicide seems like such,
A fucking hassle, not a waste,
And every life I have touched,
Turned around and walked away.
I pretended that I had a heart,
So I had something to give you,
I trusted you not to rip it apart,
All I asked you for is the truth,
And you disappointed me so far.
You let me remember why I lose,
Hope so quickly with everybody,
When I am left alone to choose,
Losing you or losing my dignity,
Fuck your beauty, fuck you too.
I noticed the sudden change in,
Every step you took around me,
And the lack of every emotion,
That at one time made us happy.
All that’s left to trust is a notion,
Since everything seems so fake,
I just wanted myself to believe,
Things won’t turn out this way,
Even if I was always deceived,
You promised not to do the same.
I accept being your backup plan,
All I asked you to do is admit it,
Instead of holding onto my hand,
And feeding me all of this shit,
About liking me just the way I am.
The cards all fell too perfectly,
For everything to be an accident,
You aren’t the person you seem,
And I’ve picked up on the hints,
Who you claim to be is a dream.

I do not want to feel this way,
And it’s all beyond my control,
All bad things can’t be changed,
So what am I even bothering for?
I’ve been dreaming of the most,
Insincere way of ending my life,
Since the only ones I love know,
Something about me is not right.
If I cannot affect the outcome,
Of the simplest, smallest things,
What makes me believe I am one,
To handle anything life brings?
I choked on a barrel of freedom,
On one too many agonizing days,
Wishing I could live to see them,
To witness the look on their face.
I know death is not the solution,
To all these problems I withstand,
But it erases all of the confusion,
Of rhetorical life I misunderstand.
The soil deep within me is salted,
So nothing organic will ever grow,
I’m sick of searching for fault in,
Everything beautiful I don’t know.
I hypothetically opened my wrists,
To see if I even felt pain anymore,
It seemed to be very little solace,
And I still feel absent and unsure.
Release me from this hell of mine,
I have come to live with my fate,
And I’ll repent and serve my time,
Even if I die, nothing will change.

Searching for you,
Like you never left,
The past is not true,
It is all in my head.
I feed myself lies,
Trying to stay sane,
I swore if you died,
I would do the same.
I dream you’re here,
As strong as always,
Whispering in my ear,
A million miles away.
I can see your face,
Shadowing the side,
Of everything great,
That catches my eye.
I hear your soft lips,
Whispering my name,
Dear God how I miss,
Everything you’d say.
I feel your presence,
Inside of everything,
But I know that it is,
All wishful thinking.
The past is the only,
Happiness still left,
All in my memories,
I will never forget.

Leave me where you found me,
I just can’t stand it anymore,
I am all that you do not need,
According to what you’re worth.
My last name is disappointment,
You should have seen it coming,
Ever since that evening when,
I admitted we shared nothing.
Maybe you do not deserve me,
I treaded lightly only in fear,
Of becoming your worst enemy,
But you’re the only enemy dear.
Keep your distance from here,
It is the best for both of us,
I cannot ever love you in fear,
Of letting you fuck things up.
I’m avoiding you at all costs,
You’re just not worth it again,
Seeing all that I’ve ever lost,
Shouldn’t be used as a weapon.
I’ve poured out my life to you,
Revealing how ugly I really am,
No one else can tell the truth,
I just refuse to be like them.
Someday far too late, I know,
That you’ll find these issues,
In your life are all your own,
Everyone knows it except you.
You’ll keep trying to find out,
What my problems are and why,
I never had the slightest doubt,
That in reality you have died.

I’m walking away and,
I’m never coming back,
No artificial tears can,
Change the cruel facts.
I know I don’t belong,
Nor am I even needed,
Everyone wants me gone,
I have quietly conceded.
The world doesn’t have,
Any desire for my type,
I was taught to laugh,
At problems in my life.
The past is too bitter,
To remind myself of it,
The future is littered,
With everything tragic.
I’m walking away with,
My dignity still intact,
I know I will never fit,
I am never coming back.
Artificial tears won’t,
Let me change my mind,
I’m at a loss for hope,
And at a loss for time.
I’m saying my goodbye,
To everyone I’ve met,
I’m not leaving to die,
Well, at least not yet.
Even if it possibly is,
What my future holds,
I do not want to live,
To see how it unfolds.
I’m walking away from,
Everything I’ve known,
All that I have become,
Is why I will die alone.

Stare at the stars,
And kiss them goodbye,
This life behind bars,
Is not a reason why,
I should open my eyes,
Or take another step,
Closer to life I deny,
Eventually my death.
My arms over my head,
As a cool rain pours,
Over a corpse undead,
That merely wonders,
What is the meaning,
Beyond this unknown,
Cause of my bleeding,
Stranded here alone?
Take all of my tears,
And make them a bath,
To drown all my fears,
And release me at last,
From invisible chains,
I’m too weak to break,
Unless I cut my veins,
For my own good sake.
Pouring out my insides,
To one who can’t hear,
Taking large strides,
Becoming who I appear,
To be on the outside,
A lost worthless soul,
With nothing to hide,
Without self-control.
All of my frustration,
Cannot be contained,
Decades of damnation,
All cursed in my name,
In my darkest hours,
I was left by myself,
You call me a coward,
Instead of giving help.
Grasping this weapon,
Not wanting to harm,
Anybody deep within,
But the chances are,
No one will ever know,
What I even cried for,
Since no one was close,
This will all be a favor.

Every window has been sealed off,
And my doors have all been locked.
I patiently wait in my room to die,
Everything I’ve known was all lies,
Now I must find a way to forget,
Demons running through my head,
And how they make this torment,
Remain with me until the very end.
There is nothing keeping me here,
And nobody is worth holding dear.
Everything I thought I once knew,
Was nowhere close to your truth.
My veins, my life have been severed.
Dear God, allow me to sleep forever.
I can’t believe I let myself become,
A slave to someone else’s addiction.
I hide in seclusion in my own hell,
Can’t leave safety without a shell.
There is no desire to do this again,
Without a light, without a friend,
Tomorrow does not look too good,
I wouldn’t live to see it if I could,
If all that I find eventually hurts,
Time without you feels even worse.
There is no easy pain free escape,
My life isn’t even my own to take.
All I ever wanted is out of reach,
Seeing you happy is just killing me.
My heart, my will have been severed.
Dear God, allow me to sleep forever.
I can’t believe I let myself become,
A fool for desiring a good addiction.

Drops of red staggered down the hall,
I screamed for him to no reply at all.
His door is locked, it smells like shit,
I’m terrified now, who the fuck did it?
Who is inside there, how do I get in?
I smell decay, that cannot be his skin.
I run outside to look inside his room,
He is decomposing, this was his tomb.
I fall to my knees and look to the sky,
What the fuck happened, why God why?
He’s been there for months by himself,
Did no one think he needed their help?
I break the window to say my goodbyes,
And give an escape to all of the flies.
No sign of murder it’s black and white,
This was just another apparent suicide.
He had given up much too easily on life,
With the help of a bottle and a knife.
It is like he knew something I didn’t,
The reason that it wasn’t worth living.
I step inside onto a pool of dried blood,
Fingerpainted inside is the word ‘love’.
I have no idea what any of this is for,
I don’t seem to know anything anymore.
There’s a note on his bed folded in half,
Saying ‘learn not to cry, learn to laugh’.
I crumbled up the paper and dropped it,
With all the other notes in my garbage.
I smiled and shook my head in dismay,
Unlocking the door and walking away.
After I had realized, this was my fate,
Nobody cares since they think I’m okay.
This is really me, lying on my own floor,
This part of me lives on without a soul.
I’ve stared at him everyday so I’d see,
What it is missing inside my own body.
I’m dead inside and have been for years,
If no one else knows, no one will be here.
And I will never let him out of my sight,
I know that one day soon we will reunite.

The world is bearing down on me,
I deserve everything I recieve,
I’m a bad person under a shadow,
And a cloud of diminishing hope.
I hate myself for all I’ve done,
To hurt you, or to hurt everyone.
I want to die, I want to forget,
My ties to all that I have left.
Everything would be better if I,
Never met you, were never alive.
I’m sick of rambling on endlessly,
Following my steps with apologies.
I don’t want sympathy or prayer,
I just asked for someone to care.
I am taking blame and accepting,
Penance for sins I am collecting.
Pain isn’t what I mean to inflict,
I just wanna be like you, perfect.
I am tired of using the letter I,
And to be cleansed I need to die.
I am too ugly to keep pretending,
Self-esteem is worth defending.
No one will remember my name,
In their best interest someday.
I have poured my own heart dry,
So many hundred fucking times.
And this one seems to be worst,
At telling you how badly I hurt.
All I want to say is how sorry,
I sincerely am for just being me.

I don’t remember your face,
I don’t remember your name,
I intentionally erased it all,
From everything I’ve known.
I will not get back the days,
That were exactly the same,
When I lived to take the fall,
For actions I didn’t condone.
I found something inside you,
I can not recall what though,
Not anymore should I lament,
Over such a careless mistake.
I pretended it was not true,
As said a thousand times ago,
You were all I had to defend,
And it was just all so vague.
My self-respect is no more,
A valuable trait to possess,
And my self-esteem is gone,
Along with all of my dreams.
I’m the shadow on the floor,
Possibly even a tiny bit less,
Since I lived with it so long,
Being no more than a disease.
I am a different person now,
Than I ever was in the past,
I once stood for something,
More than being your waste.
It crushes me knowing how,
The side effects always last,
Because I have been nothing,
Since all those dismal days.
In my mind you are all I had,
In my eyes you’re worthless,
I saw a part of you in myself,
And that part of me is dead.
I drained blood from a scab,
And sealed it all with a kiss,
All inside my letter for help,
That I know you never read.