I. Vultures

Walked ten thousand miles today,
Just to get far away from here,
My blind faith is leading me astray,
And I’m too heartless to ever fear.
Sunlight outlines all of my flaws,
Exposing them to the outside world,
I never claimed that I knew it all,
But a journey must amount to more.
My heart rate quickens just to slow,
Blood trickles in my veins like molasses,
There is no rest stop on this road,
This is where all life comes to pass.
Cancerous rays melt off the old skin,
To match a soul already long dead,
Searching for water with a notion,
This is the beginning, not the end.
Slowly I begin to digress,
The horizon has disappeared,
I gasp for one last breath,
And the picture is clear.
Hallucinations of the dead prying,
As they beg me for their escape,
Screaming intertwined with crying,
A haunting sound that won’t go away.
I discern a pack of dark eyes gazing,
Even in my presently unconscious state,
The vultures circle patiently waiting,
For the smell of death on their plate.
They scatter to the sound of thunder,
As the desert witnesses its first rain,
Lightning tears the skies asunder,
And my body no longer feels the pain.

II. Feeling

A slow, cold chill runs over my neck,
A kaleidoscope of colors in my eyes,
I feel my lungs begging for breath,
As a hand reaches down from the sky.
Lying paralyzed in the fetal position,
I stretch my left arm straight north,
Begging a saviors’ hand for permission,
Looking to be pulled to another world.
The birds of prey reemerge to feast,
I lay there unable to defend myself,
I am quite vulnerable to say the least,
They descend to attack and then dispel.
Everything goes black and totally silent,
With one swoop the hand kills them all,
In an act of the most immense violence,
Even cartoons wouldn’t fathom to draw.
A stream of ice water lines the sand,
And I somehow have the power to sip,
I make a cup with both of my hands,
Shaking as they reach my lower lip.
My body throbs again from the heat,
Blisters form in places I’ve never seen,
The sun cooks me like well done meat,
Burns and torture to the third degree.
What was once a glimpse of hope,
Seems to have left me here to die,
Finally reached the end of the road,
But I’m not ready to say goodbye.
I pound my fist and curse the heavens,
Which is how I got here in the first place.
The sun disappears just past eleven,
And a dark shadow covers my face.
A knot in my throat falls to the floor,
The feel of emptiness is overwhelming,
I’m too tongue-tied to say a word,
But I still mutter a “help me.”

III. Selling My Soul

A tall dark man in black boots,
Leans down to kick me in the ribs,
“Where am I, who the fuck are you?
I have nothing else left to give.”
“I came here to escape my debts,
And start this whole ordeal anew,
I already told you I have nothing left,
So now who the fuck are you?”
The sky is on fire as embers fall,
A sun on the left, moon on the right,
“That’s perfect since I have it all,
All I ask is you to follow me tonight.”
Smoke and hunger are all I can taste,
I reach for help, too weak to stand,
He throws a lit cigarette in my face,
Before lending me a cold, dark hand.
“Remember the thing that’s dead?
That you claim to have no use for?”
I think about it and shake my head,
“All I need from you is your soul.”
He holds out the palm of his hand,
And I hesitantly shake to agree,
The dead skin falls into the sand,
As all of my scars leave my body.
I do not hunger or thirst anymore,
My mind has stopped haunting me,
Should have considered this before,
If he could take away my misery.
“That didn’t hurt now did it son?”
As he chuckled under his breath,
“I’m not out here to hurt anyone,
Oh yeah son, you can call me Death.”

IV. The Revelation

I held onto his hand as we roamed,
All the lights in the sky disappeared,
Apparitions of hell feel like home,
Does my journey ultimately lead to here?
He lights another cigarette as we enter,
A cave or a portal I’m not sure which,
My eyes drifting away from center,
As they adjust to a pitch black silence.
No children are crying here, not a peep,
The man whispers in his raspy voice,
“This is the truth that you all seek,
But very few of you make this choice.”
I attempted to rationalize his words,
He knows I am completely confused,
“You see son, human reality is poor,
You can’t win the battles you choose.”
I understood that and nodded a yes,
Finally some logic in a fucked up day,
“Don’t you think that I know best?
You came to me to fix your mistakes.”
“From lust to gluttony, greed to despair,
All the way to wrath, envy and pride,
Manmade sins, and God doesn’t care,
He’s just as guilty as you, it’s all a lie.”
It all made such perfect sense now,
The questions don’t have an answer,
Loving and trusting and learning how,
Has been the cause of the cancer.
“Never believe what you’ve been told,
Just let me show you an example.”
I followed him in completely sold,
Unless this is the proverbial apple.

Unopened doors sway in the wind,
Just so they can slam in my face,
Going nowhere, I feel like nothing,
More than a God damned disgrace.
I don’t need a constant reminder,
Of how meaningless my existence is,
I was put here to obey and serve,
Unlike those who can love and live.
I’ve tried to block so many things,
From my mind just to sleep at night,
So many emotions I’ve been saving,
Just to live to see the morning light.
Skeletons have been overflowing,
And there is nothing left to hide,
I only hurt others by them knowing,
How the anguish eats at my insides.
The pictures hanging on the walls,
Don’t remind me of a better time,
Who’d remember me? No one at all,
So says any evidence I could find.
My memories intertwine with pain,
And nobody else has understood,
They tell me they all feel the same,
Oh, how I wish they fucking could.
My character flaws compile as one,
Nobody even knows where to begin,
I too cringe at what I have become,
Closed mind with a heart wide open.
It’s so hard to see anyone as real,
Like I’m stuck in a giant bad dream,
The anger and betrayal I now feel,
Cannot be as painful as it seems.
I recognize how badly I have failed,
Everyone who ever crossed my path,
My apologies have gotten so stale,
“I’m sorry” is finished with a laugh.
I do not mean to disappoint you,
Knowing it’s all that I’ve ever done,
I’ll never be good enough to prove,
I deserve to be treated like someone.
Gentle footsteps, light as piano keys,
Just trying not to alter the future,
In another life I only hope to be,
Meaningful enough to feel secure.
I struggle to stay alive almost daily,
Alas, I must laugh that off as well,
Breathing is all that hasn’t failed me,
Who knew there was oxygen in hell?
There is no turning around anymore,
The past will always remain the past,
I didn’t enjoy being there before,
My next step is going to be my last.
I’m fifty feet from falling and I am,
Still begging for forgiveness from,
Anyone who possibly gives a damn,
To rescue me from who I’ve become.
I walked down these rocky roads,
To arrive at a bridge I’ve burned,
I’ll hit rock bottom, who will notice?
God forbid they ever show concern.
As long as the scars are out of sight,
It will probably never make sense,
I never wanted to give up the fight,
Nor spend decades trying to repent.
Apathy must make the pain go away,
Or at least leave the burden to me.
If this is why I wake up everyday,
Dear God, put me out of my misery.

Somewhere in space lies undeniable truth,
An answer to all of the burning questions,
Like how the world really is out to get you,
And true love was mankind’s misconception.
Everybody dies, always have, always will,
It’s not a matter of when it’s all about why,
My music is psychiatric proof that I can kill,
And a lack of faith has sentenced me to die.
The fire burns constantly inside my head,
If I could try again, I don’t know what to do,
Everything I have truly loved is now dead,
And you come to me demanding the truth.
Sifting through the ashes for the memories,
That are too painful to ever want to relive,
I’ve been left here to rot without a disease,
I have committed no crime for you to forgive.
Somewhere in space is the scientific proof,
To every question you’ve ever wondered,
But the earth has this way of hiding truth,
For many to theorize but none to discover.
A world of evidence won’t clear my name,
Nor will it bring my loved ones back to me,
As long as I live, I’ll hang my head in shame,
For a crime that only I know I’m not guilty.
Even those I’ve loved have betrayed me now,
This is a lopsided battle to fight on my own,
They know facts, but they’re overshadowed,
By mistakes I have made a long, long time ago.
This world sees me as a heartless monster,
I cry myself to sleep every night and worry,
If this is my life and all I have to live for,
Then I don’t need to live to tell my story.
Years of fighting nixed by minutes of lies,
Could it possibly help them sleep at night?
They don’t know their words sent me to die,
Can they even differentiate wrong and right?
An innocent man being burned at the stake,
For not admitting to a crime I didn’t commit,
Who knew hearsay could determine my fate?
All I love is forever gone, there’s no fixing it.
Looking around I can see them sigh in regret,
The truths they have established are all gone,
They know an innocent man is sent to death,
But pride alone cannot admit they were wrong.
Somewhere in space holds a key to freedom,
I feel my heartbeat gradually slipping away,
And as my eyes begin to close I will become,
Finally forgiven, finally free, finally safe.

No right turns, only a constant left,
I am starting to feel dizzy here,
I keep walking on this sidewalk,
On an endless quest for answers.
This feels like progress except,
I’ve paced in circles for years,
I even traced my path with chalk,
A step ahead is ultimately reverse.
The elderly look out their window,
And shake their heads in dismay,
Because I search for an answer,
To apparently the exact problem,
They have abandoned decades ago,
But they don’t have the nerve to say,
Whatever I am truly looking for,
Will elude me just as it has them.
Wrinkles becoming more prevalent,
With each seemingly useless step,
These years just keep tacking on,
Answers are getting harder to see.
Been searching for myself since,
I could distinguish life and death,
I know I am alive but I feel gone,
Gradually losing touch with reality.
Mirrors have become meaningless,
Just another way to antagonize me,
No way to decipher these words,
Spelled out clearly in plain sight.
Shots in the dark have all missed,
Today’s forecast is looking cloudy,
With a chance of not trying anymore,
And succumbing to the fabled light.
Answering questions with questions,
Decisions feel like an elaborate setup,
I’m not exactly sure what is wrong,
And I have no clue of how to fix it.
I pull myself in a hundred directions,
Hoping one day things will look up,
Been hunting for myself for so long,
I will gladly take any omen as a gift.
I have no clue of what I really need,
Or how to find the pleasure in pain,
What I need I can’t find in others,
I need to dig deeper within for help.
Following chalk lines isn’t for me,
It will always wash away in the rain,
It’s like having both eyes covered,
And knowing I will never find myself.

I long for the days when we were young,
Innocent little fuckers with no concerns,
Work was a game where we dress up for fun,
As our favorite carpenter, and take turns,
Passing the hard hat from one to another,
And beating wood with our plastic hammer.
I miss when the hard part of being a brother,
Was merely my sister making a loud clamor,
It was the only time I was ever a role model,
And I embraced it like I was a patron saint.
Long before I found happiness in a bottle,
I found it in sixteen colors of fingerpaint.
Cookies and a nap were each encouraged,
And money was what bought your new toy.
We learned about bears drinking porage,
And I had cooties like all the other boys.
I suppose the cooties part is still the same,
And those icky girls have gotten crazier,
None of us cared about the status or fame,
But we’ve gotten one hundred times lazier.
I still looked up to my parents back then,
And took everything they said as gospel,
On some days they were my only friends,
If they couldn’t fix things, nothing will.
Roller coaster rides were only once a year,
Instead of everyday like they are now.
We begged our parents to let us steer,
And then learned our lesson in time out.
Punishment was a crack across the ass,
If I was rude enough maybe two or three,
Looking back physical abuse wasn’t bad,
Compared to living in never ending misery.
Death was something we only saw on tape,
When black X’s covered up their eyes,
We couldn’t spot another person as fake,
And we couldn’t keep up with our own lies.
Assholes in our lives haven’t changed much,
Shame I can’t still shoot them all for fun,
Then watch them fall down as they clutch,
For a gasp of air as I slowly reload my gun.
Bumps and bruises were all taken in stride,
And they were usually worn with a smile,
Way back when I still had a bit of pride,
And my life was still sort of worth while.
Fear was watching a scary movie alone,
With the lights turned off late at night,
Not worrying about a place to call home,
Or if there’s a reason to continue this life.
I miss someone assuring me it’s all okay,
Even if there’s nothing at all going right.
And there was never anyone there to say,
My hopes and dreams were all out of sight.
The years, they keep compounding on me,
However, my appreciation of life does not,
When I was young I had reason to believe,
I had a choice in the life that I’ve got.

All I can do some days is shake my head,
And wonder what I keep waking up for.
I’d much rather lay unconscious in bed,
Than lose another daily fight in this war.
My body is worn out in a third of a life,
My hangovers no longer require drinking,
This pain will cease one of these nights,
I can only paddle so long before sinking.
Does everyone have to suffer like I do,
Or am I the only one who feels this way?
All of the agony I’ve put myself through,
Only to be left out for dead in the rain.
Happiness and optimism are getting lonely,
And I won’t get to see them anytime soon.
You should see that you’re not an anomaly,
And you can’t see the martyr in this room.
I am a million mortal sins past my salvation,
But on days like this I will still be praying.
I carry more burdens than an entire nation,
And need to sleep at night as I’m decaying.
What is supposed to be the right solution?
I only hear a million wrong answers a day.
I’ve been littered with emotional pollution,
Should I even care what these voices say?
It seems I’m rising from the depths of hell,
Just gasping for one single hint of relief,
Until twenty more demons pull at my belt,
Leaving me here beaten down and empty.
Maybe it is just easier to run from it all,
Since I’ve never been a fan of adversity.
I will assume the fighting is all my fault,
And continue to let anger build up in me.
I’ve been stretching myself far too thin,
And giving all too much of myself away.
What do I receive for all of this giving,
Other than loads of your built up hate?
There are enough problems of my own,
To keep me occupied for seventy years,
Questioning everything I’ve ever known,
Doesn’t help disspell any of these fears.
I’ve lost all of the fight in me for good,
It’s not a battle worth fighting anymore,
I would rewrite my entire life if I could,
But I’d fail again as I have done before.

I possess the nerves of a sniper,
With the intellect of a madman.
The devil keeps whispering to me,
And I can hear him loud and clear.
The time has come to pay the piper,
Everything I have to give in hand,
This is the end to all of the misery,
I think I am on to something here.

The landscape is far beyond stale,
Trees hang their limbs with shame,
Two hundred fifty shades of gray,
And only a slight hint of blood red.
The dying souls are unusually pale,
But today’s forecast is all the same,
Help God make the wicked go away,
Reap the blood, harvest the heads.

Woke up today without any qualms,
Burdens that I once could not lift,
Have become my biggest motivation,
While I rewrite my entire life story.
Memories of the past now all gone,
Through my personal demons I sift,
I’ll sacrifice my soul to damnation,
For my retaliation rather than glory.

Cold eyes stare, must bury them all,
I am just a mother fucking lunatic,
A minuscule man with a big ass gun,
And today I feel like God almighty.
Ears ringing, I must answer the call,
By shooting rounds of six, six, six.
I have come here to kill everyone,
That has ever tried to damage me.

If nobody has ever cared to listen,
Then how could anyone ever care?
I showed you all of the warnings,
And you turned your fucking head.
This time I don’t need permission,
Stop me now, don’t fucking dare,
I dreamed for countless mornings,
Of ways to assist in your death.

Hold my breath and take my aim,
And the devil will pull the trigger,
A sweet feeling of accomplishment,
Is renewed with every casualty.
Here I am playing the killing game,
The stage doesn’t get any bigger,
I am abolishing all of your sins,
Gratification is in your mortality.

My eyes begin to glow with rage,
And I begin to thirst the revenge,
A deep calming voice is by my side,
I wipe my brow and start to reload.
The madman in a blood drunk daze,
A chalice from hell has been sent,
Sipping it gently until I’m satisfied,
My victim gasps for air as I let go.

You think you won’t be sentenced,
In the grand scheme, I am nothing,
But now you shall be condemned,
I no longer have to remain silent.
I am prepared for consequences,
With all sinning comes suffering,
So if I had to do it all over again,
I would have made it more violent.

Feel the temperature dropping to nil,
Frost is forming on the window sill,
Eyes sift gently from left to right,
In harmony with a pendulum tonight.
Cold hands grasp for a touch of heat,
As the rocking chair gently creaks.
The lighter touches the table quietly,
And the ashtray makes a lone creak.
The smoke makes a path to fresh air,
A trembling hand taps on the chair.
Finally at peace after many years,
A final hurdle that had to be cleared.
Hollow eyes reveal a tortured soul,
Too weathered to withstand the cold,
And the deathly soft cracked skin,
Will not survive beyond the morning.
A bottle rests next to a glass of ice,
Beautifully accented by moonlight,
Showing off that it is nearly dry,
To match the lone silhouette inside.
Open windows whisper a tragedy,
As all of the animals outside plead,
For a warm and safe place to sleep,
Since their creator knows no mercy.
The telephone hasn’t rang in a year,
Left alone presumably to die here.
Mirrors reflect light from the sky,
Illuminating the pen explaining why,
Everything abruptly ends this way,
When there is nothing left to say.
A neatly folded heartfelt goodbye,
Nobody cared enough to see inside,
Sealed and stamped with a lone tear,
The only emotion felt in many years.
A beating heart pulses to the rain,
Overcompensating for immense pain,
At every one of the pressure points,
As the cold chill stiffens the joints.
The doors have all been barred shut,
Contact with the world long ago cut,
All clear within a fifty acre radius,
Not important enough to be missed.
The mind races a million directions,
They all lead back to the reflection,
Of a fireplace glowing in the glass,
Awaiting the fluid and the match.
A grey sky paints the inside walls,
And a lone shadow seven feet tall,
Takes a final drag of the cigarette,
And one final sip of the accelerant.

Another day, yet another lost cause,
Engaged in another war but what for?
Rhetorical questions sift in my head,
Waiting for the answers to lie to me.
Still no traces of an escape clause,
Even if I cannot fight this anymore.
Every word is written boldly in red,
No loopholes, I am fucked clearly,
Your Jesus statues cannot save me.
In the midst of my mental stalemate,
On a road paved with deep regrets,
Without a safe spot for me to stand.
Not even I can tell me what I need,
My conscience lies to me everyday.
They say it works out for the best,
Yet I sit here with an empty hand.
I’m abusing myself, don’t know why,
Bent almost to the point of broken.
Yeah, this time will be the last time,
Such a terrible lie I always repeat.
Earning my wings for the other side,
Or that’s just what I’ve been hoping,
Feeding myself more of these lies,
Is my only way to combat sure defeat.
The smile on your face is lying to me,
Say something nice, that’s a lie too.
You can tell me you want me to die,
It’ll be the only honest thing you say.
Mental landmines are all that I see,
And I know I’ll never make it through,
With this smoke shield of your lies,
I am just one misstep from my fate.

This raw emotion is absolute pain,
All these years, nothing’s changed.
Heartfelt apologies feel so empty,
Cannot fix what is wrong with me.
I long to be everything that I’m not,
This pen and paper are all I’ve got.
I’m out of words, I’m out of ways,
To expose to you, that I’m not okay.
I’m tired of bleeding in black ink,
Because I’m far too weak to think,
Of the proper way to expess this,
Feeling that I must overcome to live.
There are only so many remedies,
For my total inability to be happy.
The medication is unfulfilling when,
Absolute pain is all I get in the end.
I have years of regret mixed with,
Miles of completely empty promises.
Dissect me, I have nothing to hide,
I have never felt this empty inside,
Lay me on the table to decompose,
To again suffer under your nose.
Of course for me it’s nothing new,
I’m still here rotting I assure you.
Those eyes are still hovering over,
Watching me dig lower and lower,
They see where I’ve been before,
And the early grave I have in store.
I don’t want to blame anyone else,
For the hand that I’ve been dealt,
I only wish that they could know,
This absolute pain I cannot cope.
I see the faces, I read the names,
But I’d rather just hide my shame,
Since I still cannot bear my soul,
To the best friends in the world.
I hear their voice and only cringe,
There is no concept of suffering,
Only broad guidelines of symptoms,
I am not even close to fitting in.
I have lost definition to humanity,
Another number, another tragedy,
Explaining it is getting pretty old,
After a million times it’s been told.
Empty hallways all leading nowhere,
This is the story of my life, I swear.
I guess I’m just mentally deranged,
Everything I know is absolute pain.