I’m staring out of my window,
Another bright and sunny day,
The sun symbolizes some hope,
I’d rather see it rain anyway.
The children play in the street,
I note their every move in envy,
What I’d give to be that naive,
What I’d give to be that free.
They look for shapes in the sky,
Resembling cats, dogs and sheep.
I look up, I curse God, and cry,
Over the lives he’s taken from me.
All the children are deemed cute,
They still have feelings to hurt,
But you’ll be ugly one day soon,
And I’ll welcome you to my world.
There are so many things to learn,
Nobody will tell you this anymore:
Respect and dignity are earned,
And they will be your only savior.
Your faith is not as strong as glue,
And money still can’t fix cancer,
There is no such thing as truth,
And questioning life has no answer.
When I was little, I never thought,
I would have nothing to live for.
I was told happiness isn’t bought,
That’s the biggest lie I’ve heard.
I never thought I’d grow up a slave,
Just to earn an honest paycheck,
In a dead-end career that I hate,
But what for? Fuck, even I forget.
I can only break even for so long,
Before I feel no need to continue,
I feel I am singing the same song,
And it is not because I intend to.
How can I write about happiness,
If I have absolutely nothing to say?
The meaning of my life is pointless,
And I wish that it wasn’t this way.
Kids staring at the window again,
What I’d give for their problems,
Or to be as irresponsible as them,
Or to once again be a good person.

In deep thought, lost in a deeper prayer,
My life is predictable, yet uncontrollable.
The insurmountable pain is only the start,
Of a tedious uphill voyage into the grave.
The smell of scented candles lurk in the air,
A false illusion used to mask the miserable,
But they can’t hide the shame or the fault,
Or wash this feeling of worthlessness away.
At war with the world, racing against time,
Can’t slow my life, only accelerate death,
But I can pause in time to snap pictures of,
This carnage I’ve turned into my memory.
Losing the battle, falling further behind,
Life cannot be measured by taken steps,
Nor can it be counted in amounts of love,
If I walk in a circle, long lost in a reverie.
I’m counting down days until completion,
Of these goals that I have yet to create.
Every day done is another hurdle cleared,
Inch by inch I’m getting closer to nothing.
I’m opening my eyes and pouring bleach in,
There’s no need to see in front of my face,
I have fought this battle alone for years,
Since trusting in allies is a losing proposition.
Somehow, I haven’t yet lost my will to live,
But I have lost every intention of fighting.
I’m at rock bottom and have carved my name,
And getting back up isn’t worth the effort.
My pockets are empty of all I had to give,
And my future isn’t worth having in writing.
The battles begin and end exactly the same,
And I’m no further ahead than I was before.
I wish I could say that I’m sorry to you all,
For involving you in my train wreck of a life.
If I had this entire life to do all over again,
Rest assured I would have never even tried.
I’ve given up on trying to distribute fault,
And lying to myself helps me sleep at night,
I’d give anything to go back to a time when,
Caring about somebody else wasn’t suicide.

Mother earth must need cosmetic surgery,
She is starting to show off too many holes.
The ozone layer is in need of rhinoplasty,
New skin can’t cover up her hideous soul.
If there ever was such a thing as beauty,
Then true beauty will never be seen again.
Self identity has become a total travesty,
We’re all green and tan plastic army men.
If there ever was such a thing as sanctity,
We’ve defaced and ruined its good name.
A lifetime is two years, forever is three,
Parenthood has become a childhood game.
It’s a sad, sad, sad fucking world I say,
Anarchy is imminent but we won’t notice,
It will pass over us like every other day,
And like always nobody will give a shit.
We can bathe our children in foreign oil,
Maybe even put some in their sippy cups.
The real terrorists dictate our home soil,
While the innocent men are handcuffed.
I created a quiz show I want you to hear,
You finger-pointing, obese, redneck slob:
“Are you smarter than a Walmart cashier,
If you won’t even go get a fucking job.”
War, stealing, and murder are accepted,
When done in the name of God correctly.
The art of perjury has been perfected,
By pedophile priests as they preach deity.
It’s a sad, sad, sad fucking world I say,
If there is a hell we’ve stumbled upon it,
God fucked up when he blessed the USA,
Since it looks like he merely took a shit.
Wipe your ass with money and snort gold,
While your brother lives on the sidewalk.
Selflessness is only in fables once told,
Way back when virtues were still taught.
If such a thing as true love does exist,
Television raped and killed its dignity.
Love was replaced by meaningless gifts,
Abuse, divorce, alimony and polygamy.
Education is substituted for blackmail,
Career advancement for sexual favors,
It wasn’t our parents who have failed,
It’s humanity that has failed as a whole.
It’s a sad, sad, sad fucking world I say,
God seems to have no power to decide,
Who should leave and who should stay,
The world can’t be fixed until we all die.

Hello, I am currently having an identity crisis,
No, not one that would typically come to mind.
You see, I have this problem I cannot explain,
I know it won’t really make much sense at all.
So here’s the situation, I feel like this life is,
Fucked up with no direction, and here is why:
I think you and I are each dangerously insane,
All I want to do is figure out who is at fault.
I’m sick of fixing shit I’ve already repaired,
For the five thousandth time just this week.
Sick of watching you ruin all of these things,
Just to give me any reason to be around you.
Everything is all about your personal welfare,
And you couldn’t give the first shit about me.
Some days I pray you are actually listening,
But I know you couldn’t bear hearing the truth.
You know which screws to turn and how tight,
Until you can bring me to my knees yet again.
I am ashamed and embarrassed when I give in,
But this is a game of wits and I’ll always lose.
I always destruct myself every time we fight,
Understanding you is like swimming the ocean,
I’d be dead even if I did find a way to win,
Because we can disagree until my face is blue.
God I fucking hate it whenever you say to me,
“Yeah, I know how you feel.”  Really, do you?
Just for one fucking day why don’t we trade,
And then maybe one day you’ll finally realize,
Everything is twice as fucked up as it seems,
Since you seem to be either dumb or confused,
With that completely blank stare on your face,
And I’m sick of baby steps being huge strides.
I feel you should’ve been sealed and stamped,
With the black and white skull and crossbones,
To forewarn me exactly what I’m in store for.
“Harmful or fatal when inhaled or ingested.”
My stomach ties in a knot and starts to cramp,
I drift away slowly to the ringing of the phone,
Without ever getting through to poison control,
Once again leaving me vulnerable and helpless.
You have acquired everything from me already,
Are you happy now, or is there no such thing?
I have spread myself too thin too many times,
And I feel like it has ruined my true identity.
The face in the mirror is long, long dead to me,
My eyes sick of seeing, my ears sick of hearing.
I never mastered coloring inside of the lines,
So I fucked up drawing who I was meant to be.
How dare I blame you, when I am the inferior?
Even though we have so many of the same traits,
And talking to you is just like talking to myself,
We seem to be a hundred million miles removed.
Wait, who the hell am I even referring to here?
Maybe you and I literally are exactly the same,
And I’m arguing with my reflection in the well.
What if there is actually no such thing as you?
Oh God, can I be this neurotic and paranoid?
I really hope that this sickness isn’t contagious.
I can’t live with myself if I hurt you anymore,
But didn’t I just conclude that you didn’t exist?
Please join me as I attempt to silence this voice,
Running rampantly through these scattered pages,
Of college-ruled paper scattered over the floor,
Inside of my brain, for you are my true nemesis.

My guardian angel has left me to hang again,
Seems like he always finds the perfect time,
To turn his head and forget that I even exist,
Without any explanation, without one sound,
Yeah, you have fucked me again dear friend,
Is it too far out of my realm to ask you why,
Each mistake I make seems like a coincidence,
And why you’ll only kick me when I am down?
There is no telling what I’ve done to deserve,
Complete apathy from the people closest to me.
I feel eyes burning holes, waiting for one slip,
Wearing shoes covered in oil as I walk on ice.
My past is dark, the future darker I’ve heard,
Happiness, fortune, friends, merely a dream,
Reality is the revolver with the super glue grip,
And the bull’s-eye painted in between my eyes.
Polaroid’s filled with everything but memories,
Outlines of people, with no identifiable faces,
Houses without numbers, cars without plates,
Summers without sun, I think I like it this way.
The past will always be one giant blur to me,
If only I had amnesia like God, I could erase it.
It is the only way to fix all of these mistakes,
That made me the piece of shit that I am today.
I have always been able to tell right from wrong,
But I never learned to make wrong things right.
It’s kind of hard to find the right words to say,
If nobody in the world possesses an open mind.
Fuck love, please just forget me when I am gone.
I think I’ve done enough damage in my short life,
For days to be ruined at the sound of my name.
Only I can seem to fuck up such a simple design.
I can answer all of your questions confidently,
Yet I draw a blank whenever I question myself,
I can tell you exactly what mistakes not to make,
Since I feel like I have made them all already.
Stop signs and those blinking orange warnings,
Tell me I’m on a self-destructive road to hell,
And I am confident that I’m anything but okay,
My seatbelt is fastened, I am far from ready.
Making excuses for my mistakes has gotten old,
But I’ll never be strong enough to admit them.
It’s always been easier to beg for forgiveness,
Than it has been to reveal that I am a fuck up.
It is all in my head or something I’ve been told,
And I’m counting down the days until the end,
I am searching for the stimulation in this myth,
I am reaching out for a way to touch the sun.
I’m a devout heathen, since I have total faith,
Everything that I’ve ever known has been a lie.
Love, humility, honesty, and trust are illusions,
Instilled in the brain at a damaging young age.
Everything I’ve been taught has been a waste,
I never learned a fucking thing until I realized,
Putting my heart to use only causes confusion,
Creating all these mistakes that I cannot erase.

Undrawn lines, unknown boundaries,
Minutes before dark, hours until light,
Retinas start to contract, fears dilate.
Each step backwards is a booby trap,
Every step forward is only a mystery.
Too young to care, too aged to fight,
Nothing less than an unleashed primate,
Nothing more than a mouse trapped rat.
Crescent moon serves as the lone guide,
Trapped behind a solid wall of clouds,
Starlight as bright as a cigarette ash,
And direction is the least of worries.
Cries of unknown creatures echo inside,
Mixed with the unidentifiable sounds,
Rods of lightning fall and quickly pass,
Making it impossible to even breathe.
Help is miles away, if they even cared,
It will take days before they notice,
Leaving many days to pray and reflect,
To think about the unfeasible ways out.
Fog begins to occupy the stagnant air,
Time has come to act instead of wish,
It feels like an insurmountable trek,
With a lone companion known as doubt.
Glowing eyes watch through the trees,
Ridiculing everything from a distance,
Taking notes, watching every misstep.
Waiting for the best chance to strike.
Blood boils as limbs begin to freeze,
A light breeze makes the body wince,
One step away from an overdue death,
Looks like things will never be alright.
Feet begin to drag, are they stuck or,
Is there no such thing as persistence?
The heart beats just like the thunder,
If by any chance I’m not already dead.
Nobody’s fool, no, not today fuckers,
This quicksand must be self-inflicted.
The rope to grab before falling under,
Is wound tightly around my frail neck.
The body numbs, the end approaches,
The moon peeks out of the cloudiness,
To provide the little glimpse of light,
That I pleaded for two steps before.
Struggling once again, almost lifeless,
It feels like I am getting used to this,
Stuck in neutral as life passes me by,
It is not worth the struggle anymore.
I wouldn’t have tried if I had known,
I’d roll over and forfeit to the fears,
I had suppressed for a million nights,
While coaxing myself that I was well.
Damned if I do, or damned if I don’t,
Fucking irony at its finest it appears,
And it is just another day in Paradise,
Since Paradise is a synonym for hell.

Nobody, I guess that’s who it is,
Nobody, I wish you were listening.
Cut those puppet strings holding you,
All these years later, isn’t it time to,
Gain strength and stand on your own feet?
You’re held down by greed and jealousy,
And I think you’re old enough by now,
To make up your mind, stand your ground.
A blank stare with no eyes or mouth,
It’s a waste of time telling you how,
To run your life, if you’re oblivious,
To who you are and whatever it is,
That makes you keep running around,
After all these times I’ve shot you down.
Nobody, I adore those bedroom eyes,
Hidden behind a lifetime of lies.
Don’t you think you should give up?
With that past you’ll never find love.
It doesn’t matter if you can seduce,
If your only intention is to be used.
Those lips and those perky breasts,
Will never add up to respect or success.
Keep medicating yourself to stay sane,
All the pills in the world won’t hide pain.
Nobody, I seem to say it so loosely,
Because you are everybody around me.
A billion man march without a cause,
Or a sacred religion without any laws.
Nobody, you are so fucking delusional,
Easily amused and television controlled.
Don’t you know how to speak yourself,
Or all you all brain dead here in hell?
Nobody, don’t you wish you had a name?
I too wish you weren’t all the same.
Nobody, how much cash must I wave,
To make you jump into your own grave?
Do I need to promise you fame or lust?
Or is it only the almighty dollar you trust?
You manufacture the American dream lie,
While watching the non-Americans die.
Nobody, take that shit out of your nose,
And stand up to more than your shadow.
You have the centerpiece of failure and,
You hold onto it like gold in your hand.
Does anything I say to you ever make sense?
Or are you always too wasted to comprehend?
One once said that ignorance is bliss,
But nobody ever mentioned what stupid is.
I’d yell at you but you won’t believe me,
Unless it’s broadcast to you on the TV.
Nobody, you’ll never listen I know,
But at least I can say I told you so.

Don’t walk, don’t run, don’t breathe,
I can feel him creeping up behind me,
A corpse in the tub, ten in the closet,
With a stench of decay, piss and shit.
Tape my eyes shut, forget the scene,
Seeing mothers and daughters bleed.
I feel like I’ve swallowed grenades,
As I begin to sweat, begin to shake.
Two more in the bedroom strangled,
And another in the garage dangles.
The screams of torture and rape,
Echo to me like an oncoming train.
Fingers slide down my back gently,
And nobody else is in the vicinity.
A subconscious feeling of insects,
Crawling down the back of my neck.
I itch constantly and it won’t stop,
My hair moves as the window drops.
A name whispers along with the wind,
Weeping, insisting that I let them in.
In where? My room, my soul, my hell?
I am confused so I beg him to tell.
Another corpse on the kitchen floor,
Drowned in a bottle of malt liquor.
Five dead fingers drain in the sink,
Turning the dish water a light pink.
The rest of the arm on the stovetop,
Days like this I ask if I smoked pot.
Is it an illusion, or did this happen?
And other questions I keep asking.
Satan is laughing his ass off again,
Sitting in a black recliner in the den.
He is not helping, just barely smiling,
Just staring, his thoughts compiling.
He is the supervisor today at best,
Cruelty of humans gave him a rest.
A man with a halo lights a cigarette,
And throws it on a child in his bed.
The crib ignites as his flesh melts,
A holy cross on top of his silhouette.
Toilet paper is drenched in blood,
As a clogged toilet begins to flood.
Two babies stuck in the sewer pipes,
Aborted months after coming to life.
Cooked human ribs wrapped in foil,
In the freezer so they will not spoil.
“Welcome to my world” says a man,
Holding a wood cane in his left hand.
He says a Hail Mary and points at me,
“Bang, bang” with one finger pointing.
I feel my body, no holes I can find,
“Killing someone correctly takes time.”
“Calm down son, have yourself a seat,”
“Besides, a bullet will taint the meat.”
I sit, and he recites passages to me,
“Doing God’s work makes me holy.”
My tongue falls back into my throat,
When he calls himself the Holy Ghost.
My arms and legs bound to the chair,
By nothing but weakness and the air.
A slow death feels barely different,
Then another day of just barely living.
“Who are you?” I managed to gasp,
“I am your savior, how dare you ask?”
I looked at him blankly in disbelief,
Until he recited intimate details of me.
I fell to the floor and closed my eyes,
The grenades started erupting inside.
He is telling the truth, I can’t believe,
This is real, I’ve always been so naive.
Nobody is stopping him? What the hell?
If he isn’t almighty, nor is anybody else.
“Can you believe they all pray to me?”
He reminds me of poverty and disease.
“Remember when I died for your sins?”
“Yeah, that was all complete bullshit.”
“I know you are having your doubts,”
“I’ve noticed that for a long time now.”
“Remember falling bridges and planes?”
“That was me, things haven’t changed.”
“You know the truth damned well son,”
“I feed off of power, I have become…”
“A manmade creation entirely of sin,”
“No blood, no heart, no soul, no skin.”
With those words he touched my head,
I felt no fingers but only fear instead.
The wind blew again and I could stand,
This was a miracle, this was not a man.
I opened my eyes, looked to the floor,
The blood all gone, the bodies no more.
I hoped that it was only a bad dream,
But an old man’s eyes still consumed me.
On the counter sat tomorrow’s paper,
The obituary page held under a stapler.
It all made sense when I began to read,
And realized the countless suffering.
Evil had defeated good, it always will,
It is harder to love than it is to kill.
I wasn’t dreaming, I was finding faith,
Though I only learned it was a waste.
Everything was real, and God exists,
But to human nature he’s still powerless.

Home is where the heart is,
So home must be a journey,
Taken when these eyelids,
Cease to continue opening.
Pineapple flavored cyanide,
Served gladly with a smile,
Wipe the bloody hands dry,
Make my time worth while.
A bullet buried deep down,
Somewhere inside of here,
No vital organs to cry about,
My life isn’t worth the fear.
Add it to a large collection,
Of many things suppressed,
That I’ve failed to mention,
Ensuring I’ll always regress.
Another alley way blocked,
On this full one way street,
By now the ticks and tocks,
Sound of death and defeat.
I don’t know the right way,
Nobody ever pointed it out,
I can’t smile and stay sane,
When I was never told how.
I’ve been lost so many times,
And have had nowhere to go,
I can read all of these signs,
But I won’t find a way home.
Porcelain dolls have a heart,
A bit less delicate than mine,
It seems like these rocks are,
Made out of money and time.
My biggest regret thus far,
Was living with no regrets,
I never realized how hard,
It is to overcome or forget.
Every word out of my mouth,
Turned into a fruity cocktail,
Of blackmail, disease, doubt,
Poison, hatred and betrayal.
A knife cut across the throat,
And the blood trickles down,
The one thing I hate the most,
Is going out without a sound.
Scars are just the reminder,
Of a million failed attempts,
They are satan’s side door,
To hide the secrets well kept.
The torture I’ve been facing,
I have been told to cherish it,
It somehow feels like placing,
A rainbow over the crucifix.
I trudge with my eyes sagging,
Down roads entirely unknown,
Tassle on the mirror dangling,
Hoping it will point me home.
These are the golden years,
Again, as I have been told,
By the mass of phony peers,
Make me not want to get old.
They kick mostly after I fall,
And I’ve searched forever,
To figure out who they are,
Or if I’ll ever have leverage.
Time is running out for hope,
And time is my biggest enemy,
When it stops nobody knows,
Except a bitch named destiny.
She is cruel and unforgiving,
And knows how to destroy me,
Even if I want to stop living,
I abide strictly to her misery.
An era of chivalry has passed,
And so have all of the traits,
It is inevitable not to laugh,
At my downfalls or mistakes.
Whoever wrote my contract,
I need them to renegotiate,
May I keep my dignity intact,
Or is it too late for a trade?
I have my thumb held high,
I’m tired of wandering alone,
Pick me up, and even if I die,
You can drop me off at home.

Kill all of the non-believers,
Leave all of the rest to suffer.
The teachings of the deceiver,
Our savior, our foe, our lover.
Life is never going to be fair,
But it will always be a game,
We can defy him if we dared,
And not one thing will change.
We cannot believe in actors,
Because they aren’t sincere,
Why would we believe a pastor,
With his second handed fear?
Believe in half of what we see,
And none of what we are told,
What is one half of imaginary,
And how honest is a folklore?
Millions cease all on his dime,
Under his watchful little eye,
Sometimes hundreds at a time,
But do they all deserve to die?
Does he have a way to justify,
War, life, murder, anything?
Or is this all just one big lie,
That millions of sheep live in?
Dear God, please understand,
I truly believe that you exist,
Near Mexico as a mortal man,
Deaf, blind and powerless.
This is an open letter to you,
Whoever you think you are,
We want to know the truth,
Since your religion is a farce.
I’ve tried to be open-minded,
And it still makes no sense,
How can heresy be a crime,
If your religion is pretense?
If you are the almighty one,
Why do serial killers exist?
Do you hand them your gun,
And use them as an iron fist?
Why did you make ten rules,
That even the disciples break?
If you want to avoid ridicule,
You should show us your face.
There’s a few good guys left,
And not one of them deserve,
The anguish you give, except,
A tiny bit to build character.
You seem to have no control,
Over the important problems,
Yet we need to be thankful,
Dead loved ones are in heaven.
You count all of the casualities,
As a symbol of a job well done,
Like governments count money,
Over a war that can’t be won.
You want us to be grateful,
For the food we won’t eat,
Since it would be impossible,
For you to overcome poverty.
Since they have other views,
Or God forbid follow Islam,
Their lives are being refused,
Even if they are God’s children.
God damn you, don’t you feel,
Remorse for anything you do,
Do you have any power to heal?
Oh that’s right, it isn’t up to you.
All I want are some answers,
Because closure helps me sleep,
Even if you bless me with cancer,
I’d be assured you were listening.